


Part of My Chemistry

by dizzy, savvymavvy



Series: Trip and Stumble [7]
Category: Glee RPF, StarKid Productions RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-21 09:17:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/596055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/savvymavvy/pseuds/savvymavvy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Whew. So I have a very special place in my heart (and head!) for these boys. The t&s verse came about with Mandeh and I talking back and forth about them in college and whenever we do, I always seem to have Darren’s head space/POV going through my own head and she usually has Chris’ going through hers.</p><p>So when she’s writing, she’ll mention something or ask a question on something that happens and how it sounds and I’ll nod/agree and then usually start spinning off how said event/reaction goes from Darren’s pov as that’s the lens I view this story through. Well, with original POV of this story, Part of My Chemistry, we both felt that it was such a turning point in their story, such an emotional lynchpin to the whole verse that Darren’s feelings on the matter were necessary. So she turned to me and I was only too happy to oblige. </p><p>I hope you all will enjoy and embrace my addition to this amazing and unique verse like you have hers. I have had so much fun playing in this sandbox that I have left my toys here and plan to return soon. </p><p>- Mav</p></blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

This is the plan they work out: 

As soon as both of their finals are over, Chris will move his things into Darren’s apartment. 

Two days later, Chris and Darren will fly together to California. Darren will stay with Chris for a weekend in Clovis to meet Chris’s sister and his parents, and then go to San Francisco to see his own family. 

They’ll spend their six month anniversary apart, but that won’t matter because after two weeks at home Chris will join Darren in San Francisco. They’ll be together for the rest of their vacation, and Chris will celebrate his 19th birthday in Darren’s favorite place in the world. 

When they come back to Michigan Chris will have a few blissful weeks of no classes, in which he will undoubtedly still cram his schedule full. He signs up for a writing intensive seminar and auditions for one of the one-night-only shows on campus because Darren has really been pushing him to act outside of class again. The seminar will end just in time for him to start classes for the second summer semester. 

That’s the plan. 

 

**Part One: Clovis**

Chris is relieved when Darren falls asleep half an hour into the flight from Ann Arbor to Fresno. He’s not the least bit surprised, considering Darren waited until almost midnight to even start his laundry. 

He’s relieved because if Darren were awake he might be realizing how nervous Chris is about this, how that underneath the facade of a smile he’s not actually excited at all. 

He doesn’t want Darren in Clovis. As a teenager, that wasn’t a dream of his. He never fantasized about bringing someone home. He didn’t fantasize about sex or relationships much at all. He was focused on school, and getting out. 

He doesn’t want to see disapproval on the faces of his parents, or disappointment on Darren’s. He doesn’t want to think of all the things that could go wrong that might impact things in his life that feel so _right_ right now.

The fact that he wants it to go well is the whole problem. Because if it doesn’t? This feels like a defining moment, like the climax in some young adult novel. Like whatever happens here will set a course for the rest of his life in terms of how he and his parents interact. 

He hopes whatever life he has down the road, no matter who he is with, his parents accept and embrace him. He hopes he’s not wishing for too much and he’s afraid he’s about to learn that he is. 

*

Hannah spots him first and comes barrelling toward both of them. She throws her arms around Chris without reserve and he hugs back, feeling a burst of warmth and emotion at seeing his sister for the first time since Christmas. 

She steps back from the hug with Chris to regard Darren with curious eyes. “You’re his boyfriend?” 

“Yep.” Darren gives her one of his toothy, face-lit-up grins, like he’s just that damn delighted to see her. And the thing about Darren is that he probably is. He and Hannah have cultivated a friendly back and forth over the months, just from Darren being around when Chris is on the phone with her, so they’re not quite strangers. “And you’re this gorgeous sister he’s always talking about.” 

It doesn’t take much to win her over. By the time they walk back to where Chris’s parents are waiting, Hannah has situated herself between them. 

“Chris!” His mother smiles widely, blinking back tears that he knows from experience she won’t let fall. He can count on one hand the times in his life he’s seen her break down, but the brief show of sentiment loosens something inside of him. He hugs her a little harder than he means to, holds on a little longer. Her fingers cup the back of his head and she kisses his temple. “I’ve missed you, sweetie.” 

“Missed you, too,” he says, and then gives his father a much briefer hug. “Uh, Mom, Dad... this is Darren.” 

He glances over and finds Darren watching them with a smile on his face. He swoops in at the mention of his name and picks up Chris’s mother’s hand. “Lovely to meet you, Mrs. Colfer. And you, sir.” 

He kisses her knuckles and then offers his hand to Chris’s father to shake it. Chris sort of wants to cringe - he can tell his parents are surprised by at least the first gesture if not the second. 

Chris grabs Darren’s arm, fingers around his wrist, and pulls him back. 

“It’s...” Chris’s mother swallows. “It’s nice to meet you, Darren. Chris, do you have baggage to wait on?” 

“Yeah, we both have bags,” Chris says. “You can just wait if you want...” 

“I’ll go with them!” Hannah says, and then starts off toward the carousels. Chris and Darren follow close behind. 

“Hey,” Darren whispers, stepping in close enough to bump Chris’s shoulder with his own. 

Chris looks over at him in a silent question of what?

“Smile.” Darren’s gaze flickers from Chris’s mouth back to his eyes. “You look upset.” 

“I’m-” Chris stops, swallows. “No, just... nervous.” 

“I thought I was supposed to be the nervous one.” Darren’s keeping his voice low so Hannah can’t hear. “I’m the one meeting the parents.” 

Chris’s frown tightens a little. 

“Hey, seriously, stop stressing.” Darren shifts his bag from one shoulder to the other and grabs Chris’s hand. It takes every ounce of willpower not to jerk it back when he sees a middle aged man staring at them coldly. Darren, ironically considering the next words out of his mouth, doesn’t notice. “Everyone loves me.” 

There are many things Chris could say back to that, many hurtful things that he’s ashamed to say almost fall from his mouth before he stops himself. He looks at Darren’s earnest, confident expression and he lets some of the coldness thaw. “Well, of course they do.”

He squeezes Darren’s hand once before letting go. 

*

Chris gives Darren a brief tour of the house, and some of his nerves melt away at the look of happiness when Darren takes a step into his bedroom. He looks around and takes in the books on the shelf, the entire row devoted to journals, the Harry Potter poster and double sets of books since Chris had spent all of his Christmas wishlist one year asking for the British versions. 

“Wow. It’s... you,” Darren says, gives him a warm, crinkly-eyed smile. His voice is as close to adoration as Chris has ever heard when he says, “This room is just... it’s all you. I love it.”

Chris he hadn’t been worried about much besides slight embarrassment over the Star Wars bedsheets but this is still a great reaction to get. 

Darren puts his bag on the floor and drops down onto the bed. “Not too bad. Hey, bigger than the bunk beds. We can handle this.” 

“Oh...” Chris winces slightly. “Actually, I think you’ll be in the guest room.” 

“What?” Darren frowns. 

“Yeah, I... my mom has it all set up.” 

Darren sits up slowly, slightly confused. “For real? She knows we’re gonna be living together, right?” 

Chris flushes, guilt creeping over him. “Not exactly. She knows I’m moving in with... some friends.” 

“Oh....kay.” Darren draws out the word. “Wow. Really?” 

“I just don’t know how they’ll react,” Chris admits. “And they’re still helping me out with money every month, so...”

Darren stares at him with the most peculiar look on his face. Chris is about to open his mouth to actually apologize when Darren shrugs and sits back up on the bed. He leans over and grabs his messenger bag and his suitcase. “Okay, then. Show me the way.”

His voice is just as happy, just as chipper as before. 

Chris relaxes; Darren doesn’t seem bothered really. He knows Darren. Darren is very rarely bothered by anything. So why would this get to him?

*

Darren falls asleep an hour later on Chris’s bed. Chris sits in there with him for a few minutes, absently playing with Darren’s hair and trying to memorize the way Darren looks slotted into his life here, curled up on Chris’s pillow. 

He finds it both charming and unsettling, so he leaves Darren to his nap and goes to find his parents. His mother is in the kitchen, chopping vegetables and watching Hannah through the window where she sits outside playing with the dogs. 

“Chris.” His mother smiles warmly. “Did Darren get settled in?” 

“Yeah, he’s actually taking a nap. He didn’t get much sleep last night,” Chris says. He takes a steadying breath while he back is turned and then smiles, because... this is home. “Can I help? 

“Well, of course you can. Those carrots won’t chop themselves,” she teases. 

They don’t talk much while he chops carrots, and when he’s done she points to the celery. “Soup?” He asks, hopeful. 

“Your favorite, of course. With roast.” She pauses. “I hope Darren doesn’t have any allergies, or...” 

“No, no. He’ll eat anything.” Chris quickly says. “But thank you for asking.” 

“Of course. I would for any guest,” his mother says, and gives him another one of those quick looks. “We’re so glad you came home, Chris. You know you could have come back for the whole summer. Hannah would have loved that.” 

“I know, Mom,” Chris says quietly. “But I’m taking summer classes. And...” 

“And.” His mother glances upstairs. “You’ve got other things keeping you busy there.” 

He grabs another stalk of celery and chops with a little more vigor. 

He’d fought with his parents over Easter; he hadn’t told Darren, hadn’t wanted him to feel bad, but they’d been upset when he’d told them he was going to stay in Michigan. 

He hadn’t wanted to leave Darren; that’s the implication his mother is making, and she’s not wrong. The stupid luau Darren threw, the all night long party with Easter egg dyeing, the bunny ears he’d made everyone wear, the omelets at four in the morning... 

It had been fun. He hadn’t missed his family in more than passing moments. He’d been too distracted, too... busy. 

“Yeah,” he says, finally. “But I like it there. Don’t you...” 

He wants to ask _don’t you understand_ and _don’t you want me to be happy_ and _don’t you like him? (please like him...)_ but he doesn’t. 

He finishes chopping the celery in silence and then goes out to spend some time with Hannah before he wakes Darren up. 

*

Dinner is an exercise in patience for everyone involved. 

Darren talks a little too much, and makes jokes that his parents don’t get. He goes on a little too long about school and music and it’s not like Chris’s parents don’t like things like that, but they clearly don’t feel the need to know Darren’s entire schedule and history and hopes for the future. 

At some point, about two minutes before Chris reaching his breaking point and actually kicks him under the table, Darren seems to realize that he’s dominating the conversation. Luckily when he trails off Hannah is happy to pick it back up. 

Halfway through the meal his father asks Chris about his finance courses, and if he’s taking any over the summer. 

“Actually,” Chris says. “I’ve decided I’m not taking any more. At all.” 

This wasn’t how he’d planned on telling them. It’s a conversation he’d wanted to save for the end of his visit, but now that the question is out there he won’t lie. 

Both of his parents look surprised. “What happened to getting a minor in something practical? You know you’ll need some sort of back up plan while you’re trying to earn a living writing.” 

There it is, right there; the thing that’s always bothered Chris. His parents have never discouraged his passions, but they’ve never really believed he could build a life out of them. He’s realistic enough himself to recognize the practicality of their advice but still young and idealistic enough to resent it all the same. 

Darren speaks up before Chris can. “He won’t need a back up plan. Have you read any of his stuff? He’s _amazing_.” 

Chris gives Darren a grateful, gracious smile. “Thank you.” 

“Seriously, he’s talented - like, crazy talented.” 

“Of course he is.” His mother’s voice is polite on the surface but there’s a bite underneath. “We do realize that. We just don’t want him to... struggle. It’s very hard to turn writing stories into a career that will support you.” 

“He can.” There’s stubbornness to Darren in that moment that Chris hasn’t seen often directed at anyone but Darren himself. 

“Well, if I don’t make it as a writer, I can always go back to dry cleaning or cookie scooping,” Chris says, trying to break the tension of the moment. 

The joke is awful, barely even qualifying as one, but it works. 

*

They watch movies in Chris’s room with Hannah until she starts to fall asleep cuddled into Chris’s side. Darren is on her other side, their heads resting against each other. It’s quiet, and peaceful, and a perfectly lovely moment. He lets it drag out until he himself is beginning to drift off before he wakes his sister and sends her to her room. 

“I’m tired,” he admits to Darren, crawling back onto the bed beside him. He allows himself another moment of Darren’s arms wrapped around him, bending his own knee so it rests over Darren’s thighs. 

Darren’s chest vibrates with a rumble of pleasure, holding Chris tightly. There’s nothing in the world quite like being close to Darren like this. It really would be so easy to just fall asleep like this. 

Then his door, not entirely shut to begin with, is pushed the rest of the way open. 

“Chris, did you want- oh.” His mother stops in the doorway, looking at them wound tightly together. 

There’s a moment where she just stares and Chris has to wonder what it looks like to her, what she really _sees_ \- if what she sees changes how she looks at him. 

He pulls himself away from Darren. “We were just saying goodnight.” 

Darren frowns like that’s news to him. 

“Right. Well, I just... breakfast.” His mother says, seeming to find her voice again. “Did you have any special requests for breakfast?” 

“No, just... anything,” Chris says. “Anything is fine.” 

His mother nods, glances at Darren, and then back at Chris. “Well, you boys sleep well. Darren... I hope the guest bed is comfortable enough for you.” 

“I’m sure it will be, ma’am,” Darren says. 

His mother leaves the door wide open when she walks away. 

As soon as she’s gone, Darren reaches for him again. “Where were we?” 

He has that sweet smile, soft and sleepy, that Chris is so used to seeing just before they curled up in bed together. 

It’s not a look he often backs away from, but that’s exactly what he does now. The open door “I’m going to brush my teeth... you remember where the guest bathroom is?” 

“Uh. Yeah.” Darren stays on the bed for a beat longer, then sits up. “Yeah, I guess I will, too.” 

In the privacy of his own bathroom, Chris splashes water onto his face. 

This isn’t how he’d wanted the trip to go, but it’s about as good as he’d expected. When he’s finished getting ready for bed, Darren is waiting in his room again. “So, I was thinking, I can just stay in here and like... sneak back into my room early?”

Darren is grinning mischievously, but the grin fades when Chris shakes his head no. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. My dad gets up at five, even on weekends...”

“Yeah, but they’re not seriously gonna do bed checks like you’re ten, are they?” Darren is incredulous. 

Chris doesn’t actually know if they would, but the idea of getting caught with Darren in his bed again - under the covers, asleep... he shakes his head. “I... I think it’s best if you just stay in the guest room tonight.” 

“Well. Okay.” Darren bounces a little, and then wraps his arms around himself. “Goodnight kiss, at least?” 

Chris smiles. “Yeah. Of course.” 

He leans forward and kisses him - brief, close-mouthed - and ignores the look that passes over Darren’s face when he pulls away sooner than normal. 

*

The weekend feels like it goes too fast. It might be strange having Darren in his parents home but Chris also isn’t entirely ready for Darren to not be there at all. 

Darren’s train for San Francisco leaves late in the afternoon. They have breakfast with Chris’s family that morning, and then go with Hannah for ice cream. 

Chris spends most of it sitting back just watching his sister and his boyfriend. Darren is amazing with her, but that doesn’t surprise him at all. He lets them sit on the same site of the booth in the ice cream parlor and takes pictures of them on his phone when they aren’t paying attention, Darren’s head bent low drawing something on a napkin that makes Hannah laugh. 

He’ll have the pictures printed out when he gets back to Michigan, something new for his bulletin board. These are the kind of memories that he _wants_ to make. 

“So when are you gonna come visit us?” Darren asks her. “You gotta come play with our cat.” 

“You have a cat?” Her face lights up. “Chris! You didn’t tell me!” 

“It’s not our cat!” Chris laughs. “Darren found her, but we couldn’t keep her at his apartment so she lives at the theater now.” 

“She’s a great mouse catcher,” Darren confides. 

“What’s her name?” Hannah asks. 

“Beatrice,” Darren says. “Have you ever seen _Much Ado About Nothing_?” 

“No,” Hannah says. “Does it come in cartoon?”

Darren laughs. “Oh, you are so my kinda girl.” He puts his arm around her and hugs her, making Hannah blush. “She’s adorable, look.” 

He pulls out his own phone and shows Hannah some pictures of Chris with the cat. 

“I wanna meet her! Chris, can I come visit and see the cat?” 

“Of course you want to visit to see the cat. Of course not to see your brother.” Chris says dryly, though he’s really fighting a smile. 

“Nope,” Hannah agrees. “I want to see the cat.” 

“Well, talk Mom and Dad into it. Maybe at the end of the summer?” Chris suggests. “I’ve got a few weeks between when my summer classes end and the next semester starts.”

“We’ve got tons of toys in our apartment, too,” Darren says. “It’s like a total blast.” 

“Yay!” She beams at him. She doesn’t notice the way Chris goes stiff at Darren admitting, even just to Hannah, that they live together. He knows asking Hannah to keep it a secret won’t do any good - he’ll just have to hope she doesn’t pass that information along accidentally. 

Even though Hannah doesn’t pick up on it, Darren definitely does. He mouths ‘what?’ at Chris, but Chris just shakes his head. 

* 

Late in the afternoon, they drive Darren to the train station. 

Chris really would have preferred to take Darren by himself, but he sold his car before he left for college and his mother makes a big deal about going straight from the train station to Chris’s favorite restaurant for dinner and Chris gives up the argument before it even starts. 

If Darren is disappointed, too, he doesn’t say anything. Actually, he’s uncharacteristically quiet through most of the ride, though he does smile when Chris reaches over and takes his hand in the back seat of the car. 

At the train station Chris gets out to help Darren with his bag. The trunk sticks like it does sometimes and his dad has to pound on it in just the right spot for it to pop open. 

“Thanks, Mr. C.,” Darren says, smiling at him like he’s doing a particularly bad Eddie Haskell impression. Then he turns to Chris and leans in, kissing him firmly on the mouth. This time he keeps it quick, like he’s anticipating Chris pulling away. “Call me later?” 

Chris nods, a surge of regret and sadness running through him at having to say goodbye for even a couple weeks. He has to remind himself again that it’s really not that long, and that he does need to spend time with his family. “Of course.” 

Darren smiles, lingering when he needs to hurry. “Okay. Yeah. We got this.” He looks down and mostly mutters, then looks back up at Chris. “Love you.” 

“I-” Chris stops, breath caught, because over Darren’s shoulder he can see the frown on his father’s face. He closes his mouth and swallows hard. “I’ll text you. While you’re on the train.”

The flash of hurt across Darren’s face is undeniable but Chris can’t make his mouth work to say the words he wants to say back. 

He waits until they’re back in the car and Darren has disappeared from view to pick up his phone and text it instead. 

*

Chris feels guilty for thinking it, but it’s definitely easier to be around his parents without Darren there. They still look at him like he’s someone they don’t know sometimes, when he tells a story about school or says something about the future that’s no longer in line with the plans he’d had when he left home to begin with, but mostly it’s better. Mostly it’s... normal. 

His parents drop hints about school, and Chris ignores them as best he can. 

He hasn’t actually asked them much at all in the past year. He’d thrown himself into independence, and even in those first lonely months had sort of relished knowing that every decision he made was made for himself. 

He almost comes clean with her about moving in with Darren - because that’s what it is, even if both of them seem to be carefully guarding themselves against future disappointment by phrasing it like a summer thing. He has the paperwork for a dorm in the fall but he hasn’t filled any of it out yet. He doesn’t really plan on it. - which means he’ll have to tell his parents eventually. 

He’ll wait, though. He’ll wait and do it over the phone, do it when there’s thousands of miles of distance between him and their growing disappointment. He doesn’t want to put any more of a damper on his visit than he already has. 

*

The next week passes with relative ease. Chris revisits some of his favorite places from childhood, though they seem a little smaller and a little less comfortable than they used to. 

He doesn’t write much, which is sort of funny, considering writing used to be his escape from the things about home he didn’t want to linger over. He doesn’t need imaginary worlds to remind him that there’s more out there now, though. When he’s feeling the pressure he picks up his phone and calls Darren or texts Ashley or Lauren. 

Darren is busier in San Francisco than Chris is in Clovis. Darren has tons of friends from high school, and his brother in for a short visit (though he’ll be gone before Christ gets there) and his days are quickly planned away with beach trips and parties. 

Chris is a little jealous, but more for the people sharing Darren’s company than the things Darren is doing that he’s missing out on. Chris doesn’t find it too hard to let the resentment go, and he enjoys _his_ home for what it is. He goes to store and runs errands, mows the yard and and picks up with all the chores that were his before. He watches morning talk shows with his mother and afternoon cartoons with Hannah. 

Sometimes if he manages to lose himself in the monotony of it he can almost forget that he’s a different person now than he was a year ago. 

*

Chris wakes up on a Thursday morning and reaches for his phone. It’s his and Darren’s anniversary; they’ve been together six months. It feels like no time at all to Chris, because when he thinks about Darren he still gets that flutter in his stomach like the first day he’d seen Darren strolling into class. Even thinking it makes him smile. 

Except it’s better now, because he’s not just pining for a boy he thinks is so far out of his reach. Now he’s got that boy, right there for him to touch and love and be with as much as he wants, in all the ways he wants. 

In five days he’ll be with Darren. They’ve already agreed to go on a nice date or something when they’re actually together. Chris isn’t expecting much, maybe a stupid e-card or a serenade via skype... but he feels a personal victory in getting it started. He debates over how sentimental to get before settling on a simple: _Happy anniversary :) _text.__

*

Chris is putting the finishing touches on breakfast when Hannah comes running in with a huge grin on her face. She’s got bedhead and she’s still in her pajamas and Chris is totally ready to tease her for it when he sees the box in her hand.

“What’s that, sweetie?” Their mother asks, walking in. “Chris, that smells wonderful.” 

“Thanks,” Chris says, but he’s still looking at Hannah. 

She holds the small wrapped box out at Chris. “It’s for you. Darren gave it to me when he was here. He said to give it to you today.” 

Chris covers his mouth with his hand to stifle a giggle. Of course Darren would. He picks it up and smiles, turning it over a couple of times. 

“Open it!” Hannah demands. 

He hesitates for a moment because it would be entirely like Darren to give him something not appropriate, but then he realizes that Darren probably wouldn’t use Hannah as a means to get him something that wouldn’t be safe for her to see. 

He tears the wrapper off of the box and stares down at it. There is an envelope taped to the top that he opens. 

_Date in a Box  
Chris, since I can’t be there to take you out in person, this is the next best thing. I’ve asked Hannah to fill in for me since a couple of these things require two people. I figure this might even be better - I know I’m only your second favorite person in the world so it’s like super nice of me to let you spend our anniversary with the person that beat me out. _

_Step one: Coffee. She’s been ordered to get something appropriately sugar filled in my honor._

_Step two: A movie. I told her to argue with you just a little bit no matter what you decide to see, but ultimately to give in._

_Step three: Dinner. Nixing the romantic part - I’ll make that up to you when you’re here. But consumption of food is a requirement nonetheless, so enjoy._  
  
He opens up the box and finds a gift card for a coffee shop, a gift card for a movie theater, and a gift card to a restaurant he likes. 

Hannah is all but bouncing up and down. “Do you like your surprise?” 

Chris can’t wipe the smile off of his face. “It’s perfect.”

*

When he gets upstairs, he calls Darren. 

Darren answers on the first ring. “Did you get it yet?” 

“Darren!” Chris drops down onto his bed and laughs, clutching the phone like he wishes he could be holding Darren’s hand. “I love it. Thank you.” 

“Awesome.” Darren manages to sound insufferably pleased with himself. “There’s more, too. I mean - more surprises.” 

“You really didn’t have to-” 

“I know,” Darren cuts him off. “I wanted to, okay?” 

“I just feel bad... I didn’t even give you anything.” 

“So? You don’t have to. Just have fun. That’s all I want. And I’ll totally check. Hannah’s my mole now.” 

“You know, I’m not sure how I feel about you and my sister forming this alliance against me.” 

“Against you? Come on, it’s _for_ you. We’re in cahoots on your behalf.” 

“Well, I guess I can allow that,” Chris says. Then there’s a knock on the door so he adds, “Hold on.” 

It’s Hannah, dressed and ready to go. “Come on!” 

“I have to let you go,” Chris says apologetically. “I’m afraid I’ve got to attend our anniversary coffee date now.”

“Take pictures. I want all the details so I can feel like I’m there,” Darren says. “Promise!” 

“Swear it,” Chris says, smiling. 

When they hang up the phone, the first thing Chris does is take a picture of himself and Hannah ready to go. 

*

They have coffee and see the movie first, since Chris knows his mother won’t want Hannah out late. The theater is almost empty and they see a comedy, not exactly the sort of thing he’d do with Darren but he does hold her hand and whisper silly comments through. 

They go back home after the movie, because she wants to nap and needs to take her medicine. He tries to call Darren but it goes to voicemail and he leaves a rambling three minute message about what all they’d done. 

Hannah is awake again and getting dressed when there’s a knock at the door. Chris is on the couch watching tv, so he calls out, “Got it,” to his mother and goes to see who it is. 

A delivery man stands there holding a short, round vase with a mixture of pale orange lilies, daisies, and roses in it. “Chris Colfer?” 

“That’s me,” Chris says, amazed. He takes the flowers and thanks the man, who gives him a polite smile and then walks away. Chris stands there in the open doorway staring at the bouquet until one of the dogs tries to nose past him, prompting him to step back inside and shut it. 

“Who was it, dear?” His mother asks. “Oh - well, those are lovely! I can’t think of who on earth would be sending us flowers, though... unless your father-” 

“They’re for me,” Chris says, unable to keep the joy out of his voice. He puts the flowers down on the coffee table and finds the card, pulling it out of the small envelope. “They’re from Darren.” 

_Chris- wouldn’t be a date if I didn’t bring you flowers, now would it? (Please pretend that I’ve actually brought you flowers before a date before.) PS: You look amazing, and I love you._

Chris reaches for his phone right away, before he remembers that it’s charging upstairs. He takes one more long look at the flowers and then practically floats up the stairs so he can call Darren and thank him for what feels like the dozenth time that day. 

*

His mother stands in the doorway, phone in hand. 

“Your father called, he’s not going to be home for a couple more hours.” Chris isn’t surprised. His father had taken off a couple days just to hang out, even taking Chris out for a round of golf... apparently conveniently forgetting that Chris is both awful at, and hates, golf. “There’s no point in waiting on dinner - Hannah, could you go set the table? I need to talk to your brother for a minute.” 

“Yes, ma’am,” Hannah says, getting up from where they’d been sitting on the floor putting together a puzzle. She messes up Chris’s hair as she walks by, but he just laughs. 

It’s been a good day. They’d gone to the bookstore, and then to the park. There’s no feeling in the world quite like making his sister smile. 

“What’s up?” He asks, lifting himself easily from the floor. 

“Sit down,” she says, then takes a seat beside him on the sofa. “Your father wanted to be here with me for this, but since you’re leaving tomorrow...” 

“Mom?” Chris begins to worry slightly. “What’s wrong?”

“We’re just concerned. Darren seems to be having an influence on the decisions that you’re making in regards to school, and we want to be sure you’re really giving this the thought it deserves.” She pauses then, and says very carefully. “We also want to make sure he isn’t pressuring you... in any respects.” 

“What? No, of course he’s not pressuring me. Chris feels stung by the words. “What? Moving too fast?”

“You’ve only been seeing him for a few months-” 

“Six, Mom. Six months.” 

“-and you’re already talking about, about love, and declaring a new major without telling us-” 

“I was always a creative writing major. I just said I was going to change my minor, and it really shouldn’t shock you that much. I’ve never wanted to be an accountant.” 

“There are so many things you can do with a business degree-” 

“But I don’t want to,” Chris says, voice firm. “And I know this isn’t just about school. Listen, I know this is weird for you and all, me having... someone. But if I were straight, you’d probably have gone through this years ago.”

His mother looks down at her hands. “We’re just not sure what to make of you suddenly deciding that you need to change your future to accommodate a... a boyfriend.” 

“But if brought home a girlfriend I said I was in love with, you wouldn’t care.” 

They’re both taken aback by the bitterness in his words. “Chris, we _love_ you, we accept you.” 

“But you don’t seem to like me very much.” He blinks back tears. 

“Of course we do.” His mother looks about as upset by this as Chris feels. “You are our son, you’re just - you’re changing.”

“Of course I am. I’m growing up. Mom, I’m not changing anything for him.” Chris wants desperately for her to understand, though he’s not sure she will. “He’s not making me do anything. This is what I want. He’s just making me brave enough to admit it.” 

It’s not a sentiment he’d even admit to Darren, but that doesn’t make it any less true. He’s never had the kind of self-confidence like the kind he gets from the way Darren looks at him Chris is a just the most amazing thing in the world. 

“You’re just moving so fast,” she says, finally, with a frown. “I wish you could hear yourself. This is still your first relationship, Christopher - whether you’re having it at 14 or 18, he’s your first... significant other. He won’t be your last, so please consider the decisions you’re making.” 

He flinches at the way she pauses before referencing Darren, every time. Hurt and frustration meld together in him, and he has to bite his tongue to keep from snapping. 

But when he meets her gaze, he realizes suddenly that she’s thinking exactly the same thing he is. She wants him to understand something, she’s worried and upset for him - because she cares. It’s not not enough to change his mind because no one has ever been able to accuse him of not following his own path, but it is enough to soften the glare he’s been working up toward. 

He wants to argue that Darren might be his last, because the idea of being with anyone else is just overwhelming wrong. How could anyone make him as happy as Darren does now? He knows to say it would make him sound so young, though, no matter how hard he believes it inside, so he doesn’t argue. He doesn’t tell her how wrong she is and how awful those things are for her to say to him. Instead, he focuses on the other part of what she’d said. 

“I’m just barely out of my freshman year of college. I’m still allowed to change my mind about what I want to be doing. I still have time, Mom. Trying out acting as a minor won’t doom me to a life of flipping burgers, I swear.” Chris looks at her helplessly, not sure what else he could possibly say. 

*

Chris hugs his parents goodbye and tells Hannah that he’ll see her soon and then he’s on the train to San Francisco, feeling a little more buoyant with every mile closer to Darren he gets. He tries to spend the trip writing but he’s too excited; he ends up running his phone battery over halfway down texting things much more sentimental than he’d probably actually ever say. 

_I can’t wait to kiss you again,_ he writes to Darren, and then shuts his eyes and leans his head back against the seat until the phone vibrates in his hand a few minutes later. 

_I never want to let you go again,_ Darren writes back. _Seriously. Don’t leave me again for so long._

 _Technically you left me,_ Chris responds. 

_Then you don’t leave me and I won’t leave you and we’ll be good, capice?_

Capice. Chris smiles down at the message then sends another. _So what did you miss about me?_

He’s baiting Darren, and fairly blatantly, but he’s craving that feeling Darren gives him. 

His eyes watch the dots that show Darren is typing for a long time. 

_Waking up in the middle of the night and the first feeling I have being you’re there, with me, and all I have to do is open my eyes or reach out and I know I’m not alone and I’m not gonna be alone._

He stares down at the message, dumbfounded. It’s not at all what he’d been expecting, and he doesn’t know how to react or what to make of it. 

He gets another messages from Darren. _Shit. That was weird, wasn’t it? DO OVER: Cock. I miss your cock._

Chris laughs, partly at the stupid joke and partly out of relief. 

The other part might be true for him, too, but he isn’t quite as brave as Darren when it comes to admitting it, apparently. 

He writes back: _It misses you too._

There’s another pause, longer, and then: _Okay shower time, gotta de-funk for the bee-eff. See you soon xoxo._

 

Part Two 

Darren, as promised, smells fresh and clean when he picks Chris up from the train station. Chris knows this because he spend a solid thirty seconds with his face pressed tight to Darren’s neck, arms clinging to him. 

When Darren pulls back he just looks at Chris, and then grins. “So, these past couple of weeks - weird, right?” 

Chris nods. “Very weird.” 

He’s glad they’re acknowledging it up front; the phone calls and texts have seemed stilted, but he’s not sure if that’s just because it’s so much less of Darren than he’s used to. It’s the first time they’ve been apart for more than a few hectic days of not seeing each other, and even that happens less and less the more Chris integrates himself into Darren’s life. 

“But you’re here now.” Darren grabs his hand. “And we’re good?” 

“Darren-” Chris smiles and leans forward, kissing Darren without caring who sees. “Yeah. We’re good. Of course we’re good.” 

“Good.” Darren gives him a kiss back. “Come on, my mom is dying to meet you.” 

*

San Francisco is beautiful. 

Chris sort of thinks Clovis is beautiful, too, in places. It’s steeped in nostalgia and childhood and makes him ache in a deep down way. But there’s so much ugly to it that he’s experienced. It’ll never be a happy memory. 

San Francisco can be that, though. There’s nothing stopping him from just being happy here. He’s got Darren, who seems more alive and vibrant than ever, like he fits right into place in this town, and why can’t Chris fit in with him? 

He looks over at Darren as Darren drives. He thinks he might have hurt Darren’s feelings a little in Clovis, but he can make that up to Darren now. He can make it up to him here - this city that Darren boasts as being the most accepting place. 

He can start learning how to be that person that just owns up to who he is, and maybe eventually when he proves to them how happy he really is now his parents will come around, too. 

*

Darren’s home is warm, on the large side but somehow still cozy and wonderfully lived in. His mother is tiny and loud and when Chris looks at her he can see so many of the wonderful qualities he loves about Darren. He can’t help but like her instantly, the way she zaps around like she’s full of energy, the way Darren obviously adores her. 

Unlike at Chris’s home, it seems to be a given that Chris will be sharing Darren’s room - which is similar to the rest of the house in which it feels inherently comfortable but quite a bit messier. 

“Sorry,” Darren says, shrugging sheepishly. “I didn’t clean.” 

Chris just laughs and walks around the room, studying the multitude of pictures and shelves crammed with paperbacks and video games and cds, dotted with the occasional award or trophy as a bookend. “I love it.” 

He comes to Darren’s desk and there’s a framed picture on it. Besides it is another one, just of Chris. “Hey, I haven’t seen this one.”

“It was on my phone,” Darren says. “Figured you didn’t need a picture of yourself. But I did. Missed that sexy face.” 

“Well, I don’t know how sexy it is, but you’ve got the face in person now. And the rest of me.” Chris smirks. 

Darren grins impishly. “So the no touchy rule is off now?” 

“Are your parents gonna... care?” Chris asks. 

“Well, Dad’s not even gonna be home for another few hours, and Mom... uh, no. Trust me. She’s cool with it, I swear. With... everything. I mean, she knows I’ve been having sex since she found a box of condoms in my room when I was sixteen.” 

“Sixteen?” Chris’s eyes widen. 

“Uhhhh. Yeah?” Darren bounces back and forth on his feet, giving Chris a charming smile. “That’s not that young...” 

Chris shrugs. He supposes Darren is right. “Well, you’re talking to the guy who was eighteen before he even had his first kiss.” 

Darren scowls. “I hated that guy. By the way. I really did. I kind of wanted to punch him in the balls.” 

“Darren!” Chris laughs. “He wasn’t that great of a kisser, if that helps.” 

“... it does.” Darren nods. “But, yeah, but we’ve _totally_ made up for that with both the quality and quantity of your sexual encounters since then.”

“I can’t argue with that.” Chris steps in close, putting his arms around Darren. They stay close and just kiss for a few minutes, and fuck, yeah, this is what Chris has missed. Sex might be more intense but kissing is more intimate, especially when they just lose themselves in it without immediately trying to take it to the next level. He sighs into it, feeling Darren sucking at his bottom lip. He scratches his fingers through Darren’s hair to make him let out one of those stuttery moans that goes straight to Chris’s dick every time. 

“Oh yeah,” Darren says, voice a little rougher. “I missed you.” 

“Just a little bit?” Chris teases. 

Darren grabs Chris’s hand and guides it down between them, a hint Chris takes happily as he palms Darren’s cock through his shorts. “What do you think?” 

Wow, he’s hard - like, really hard. Chris flicks the button open and slides his hand into the warmth there, wrapping his fingers around Darren’s length. “More than a little bit.” 

“Fuck yeah.” Darren grabs Chris’s ass and gropes, sucking hard at the pale skin of his shoulder hard enough to leave a mark that will last for a couple of hours at least. 

Chris starts to jerk him off, suffering the limited range of motion he has with his hand awkwardly down Darren’s pants because it’s still fun to work more of those sounds from Darren’s throat. He’s missed the physical part of this too; Darren’s cock thick and warm in his grasp, precome leaking against his palm and fingers. He strokes all the way down to the base and feels the hair rough and ticklish against his skin, then cups lower to roll Darren’s balls against his palm. 

Darren huffs out a laugh that sounds more tortured than actually amused. “Missed you in me,” he says. His eyes are half shut and his lip are puffy already. “Chris... bed?”

“Do you want to lock the door?” Chris asks. 

“Mom will knock,” Darren says. “She’s big on privacy, it’s cool.” 

“Oh.” Chris lets Darren guide him over to the bed, regretting the loss of Darren in his hand but quickly moving on from it when Darren kicks his shorts off and crawls over Chris on the bed. “I don’t think I’m naked enough for this.” 

“Well. Get naked, then.” Darren grabs his shirt and together they work most of Chris’s clothes off. 

Darren is about two seconds away from his mouth being on Chris’s cock when there’s a knock on the door. “Sweetie, you left your clothes in the dryer. Do you need me to get them out for you?” 

“Yes, please,” Darren shouts back, the gust of air making Chris’s cock twitch. Chris stutters his hips at the contact, not having expected it, and precome smears across Darren’s chin. 

He really hopes that Darren’s mother can’t hear the sharp gasp that tears out of him. She can certainly hear Darren’s laugh, unrestrained. 

She doesn’t walk away just yet, calling out first. “Just let me know if you boys work up an appetite.” 

Chris’s jaw drops and he covers his face with his hands. “Oh my god. That is humiliating.” 

“My mom is awesome,” Darren says, and then licks up the length of Chris. “And you’re still hard so it must not be that bad.”

*

They don’t do much else that day. Darren’s father comes home from work after a couple of hours and they have a wonderfully relaxed dinner in which Darren’s parents enthusiastically brag and embarrass Darren in turns, more than happy to tell Chris a multitude of tales. 

After dinner Darren is coaxed into moonlighting as musical entertainment. There are instruments here that Chris has never heard him play, things he left behind out of necessity. He’s not at all surprised to find that Darren is amazing at everything but what he isn’t expecting is that twist in his gut at the way Darren just loses himself in the cello and the violin. Chris has never seen that look on his face - that intense concentration, all of the humor stripped away and leaving something behind more split open and raw than Chris is prepared for. 

Once he’s finished and the last notes slip away, Darren comes back to himself. He looks at Chris like he’s waiting for a reaction, and Chris has no idea what to say. 

“Wow,” he finally manages. “You’re... amazing.” 

Darren playfully toes at the ground. “Aw, shucks.” He peeks out from under curls that have flopped in front of his face. “For real?” 

“Darren!” Chris smiles and gets to his feet, knowing Darren’s parents are there but not actually caring that much. They don’t really give him the impression that he needs to care. He hugs Darren tightly. Darren holds the violin over his shoulder to hug him back. 

“I’m rusty.” Darren says, sheepish. 

“You know you were amazing.” Chris kisses him on the cheek. 

Darren’s parents go to bed not long after that, and Chris gets pulled along to Darren’s room. 

“So are you gonna let me hear any of those songs you’ve been working on the past couple of weeks?” Chris asks, once they’re in bed together. Darren scoots into Chris’s personal space with delight, wrapping both arms and a leg over Chris. It feels like he’s trying to make up for the distance that has been between them by eliminating any space now. 

“I don’t know. They’re not really done yet.” It’s rare for Darren to not want everyone to hear everything he’s done, half finished or not, so Chris’s curiosity is piqued immediately. 

“Are they about me?” Chris teases, tickling his fingers up and down Darren’s arm. He isn’t expecting the guilty look that crosses Darren’s face. Darren takes inspiration from everything and everyone but but doesn’t usually write songs about specific people, specific situations. “You have to let me hear!” 

“Maybe later,” Darren says. “They’re not really done.” 

Chris doesn’t actually believe him, but he lets it go. He can understand wanting to keep things close. He doesn’t let Darren read his stories before they’re finished, after all, so he doesn’t have much of a leg to stand on. 

*

Darren is the most enthusiastic tour guide that Chris has ever had. There isn’t much sitting around and just hanging out. Darren has too much he wants to show Chris. 

“I used to want to do that,” he says, pointing at the street performer’s along Fisherman’s Wharf. They stand and watch a fire eater have an amusing exchange with a mime that wanders too close. “I tried the whole fire eating thing when I was eight and almost had to go to the hospital. Mom caught me just in time.” 

“I wanted to be a ninja,” Chris says. 

Darren laughs. “You could totally be a ninja, babe.” 

“I could!” Chris insists. “I asked for sai swords and throwing stars for my birthday one year. I used to practice out back, and I got really good.” 

“For real?” Darren looks impressed. “How has this never come up before?” 

“Well, it’s not like I have any of that stuff with me in Michigan. Oddly enough, I thought it might rouse some TSA suspicion if I had deadly weapons with me on my flight.” 

“Check that shit!” Darren insists, laughing. “We’ll get you some more once we’re back home, then. I need to see this sexy ninja business in action.” 

“I said ninja, not sexy,” Chris corrects him. 

“Everything you do is sexy.” Darren leans over and gives him a wet kiss on the cheek, then stops. “That’s okay, right?” 

“Yeah.” Chris reaches down and grabs his hand. “Yeah, it’s fine.” 

* 

Chris has a few demands on the trip; he wants to see Alcatraz, and Union Street. He wants to have his picture taken in front of the Golden Gate bridge, and it turns into an hour long photoshoot where Darren makes him pose in a variety of ridiculous positions - including stretched out on the rocks right in front of the sign that says stay off. 

On the third day they rent bikes to spend the day exploring Angel Island. 

“If I die of exhaustion halfway through, you’ll carry my body back, right?” Chris asks while they’re on the ferry to the island, dubious about the idea of all day exercise. 

“Aw, this is nothing, come on!” Darren tries to coax him. “We can stop and chill whenever you want. Have a picnic or something. It’ll be great.” 

Chris leans into Darren, enjoying the casual arm around him. Darren’s skin is already sun-warmed and he smells good, fresh and clean and familiar. He reaches out and picks up one of Darren’s hands, playing with his fingers. 

“You’re cuddly today,” Darren comments, nuzzling his nose against the top of Chris’s head. 

“Don’t mess up my hair,” Chris says. “And I just like it here.”

“Good. I’m glad. I like _you_ here.” Darren goes quieter after that, they both do - familiar enough with being in each other’s pockets to not need to talk all the time. Darren starts to hum, and then sing under his breath, and Chris just breathes in the fresh air and the moment. 

*

There is a problem with the card reader when they try to pay for their bikes at the rental shop, and they end up standing there waiting for almost fifteen minutes. 

“Hey, I’m gonna go grab some water,” Darren decides. “I saw a machine outside. Just scream for me if the guy gets back.” 

“Scream?” Chris laughs. 

“Yeah, just like - _Ooooh, DARREN!_ I know you can, I’ve heard it before.” Darren winks lasciviously and then grabs Chris’s ass and squeezes before he walks away. 

Chris is still grinning to himself. The door opens again a minute later with a tinkle and Chris turns around, hoping that Darren is back. It’s not Darren - just another guy, one that gives Chris a friendly smile and then walks up to the counter by him. 

“Is anyone even working here?” The guy asks after a minute passes. 

“Yeah, the card machine broke so he’s running ours in the back.” Chris explains. He gives the guy an apologetic smile. “Sorry.” 

“Oh, no problem. You here with your... girlfriend?” The guys asks. 

Chris laughs, genuinely caught off guard by that. He’s pretty sure the guy knows he’s not straight, since passing isn’t something Chris even attempts to do anymore, but most people don’t actually ask before assuming. It’s sort of nice. “No - no, I’m not.” 

“Oh? You’re here alone?” The guy’s smile widens and he leans against the counter but toward Chris now, in a fairly subtle but still noticeable way. “Yeah, I was here with my brother and his wife, but they ditched me.” 

“Well, that’s not nice,” Chris says. Then he adds, at the same time the guy starts to talk. “But I’m not here al-” 

“If you want to do some exploring together-” 

The door opens again and this time it is Darren, holding two bottles of water over his head victoriously. “It tried to steal my money, Chris, but I totally beat it. I kicked it’s ass.” 

The guy takes a step back, surprised and maybe a little disappointed. “Oh, you’re-” 

“Yeah, sorry, I was just saying - I’m not actually here alone.” 

“Right, cool.” He slaps his hand against the counter and then pushes off of it. “I’m just gonna check back later, this is taking forever. Have fun!” 

“You, too,” Chris says.

Once the door is shut, Darren hums. “And what was that?”

“Uh - I think I was getting hit on?” Chris can’t entirely believe it. 

“You think?” Darren laughs, sliding an arm around Chris and pulling him in a little closer. “Yeah, you were definitely getting hit on. Sorry I had to burst his bubble.” 

Chris rolls his eyes and gives Darren a kiss on the jaw. “I’m not. You’re much hotter than he was.” 

“But he was hot...” Darren teases. 

Chris shrugs. “But you’re hotter,” he repeats, smiling, just as the guy comes back to the front of the shop with their paperwork. 

*

Darren doesn’t exactly have every day of Chris’s visit planned, but his family does seem to operate on the same default wavelength of never stop moving that Darren himself does. Every evening finds them with some new opportunity. 

Day four finds them with seats to a show in town that promises language, nudity, and sexual content. 

“With your parents?” Chris realizes that it has potential for making him sound young and naive, but he still gapes. “Really? That doesn’t bother you?” 

He shrugs. “They’re my parents, but we’re all just people. They have sex - I have sex. It’s not like it’s a secret. Anyway, it’s not like it has anything to do with either of us, or them. It’s just a play. Do you really not want to go?”

“No, I do,” Chris quickly says. “Just... don’t make me sit by them.” 

He won’t even watch R rated movies with his parents. If a sex scene shows up during a TV show, his mother usually changes the station. 

It seems like a far from cry Darren and his parents. 

Darren laughs. “Promise.” 

He keeps his promise, but doesn’t keep his hands to himself during the show. A casual hand holding maneuver turns into Darren’s hand on his thigh in the dark of the theater and between the simulated sex on stage and the very real touch, Chris finds himself shifting uncomfortable before the second act. 

During intermission he refuses to move, giving Darren a death glare and a serious talking-to as soon as Darren’s parents are out of earshot. 

As soon as the lights drop again, Darren’s hand is right back where it was. Chris gives up and decides to just enjoy it. 

*

Darren accepts it easily enough when Chris says he doesn’t really want to attend any parties with Darren, but he does make it clear he wants to introduce Chris to some of his high school friends. 

“I need to show off,” Darren says, lazily digging through a basket of clean laundry. “I got some badass bragging rights, having a hotter boyfriend than any of those girls.” 

Chris tosses a t-shirt at Darren’s head. “Wear this one, I like how your arms look in it.”

He’s a little nervous, partly in that way he always gets before he meets new people and partly because he has been very careful not to ask if any of these friends of Darren’s are exes. 

He wants to know. Of _course_ he wants to know. 

But he trusts Darren; not just with fidelity, but to tell Chris if there is anything Chris needs to know. If Darren hasn’t said anything, that must mean there’s nothing to say. 

*

They arrive at the coffee shop at the exact same time as two of Darren’s friends. Laughing, they make introductions as they walk through the door. Once inside, a few other people that have claimed a corner of the care with a couch and big chairs around a table immediately wave and shout hello. 

“Oh, shit, Jason’s back! I thought he wasn’t gonna make it today.” Darren waves back at them, grinning excitedly. “We can get drinks first,” he says to Chris. 

Chris smiles. “You go ahead and say hi, I’ll get our drinks.” 

“You sure?” Darren asks. 

Chris nods. “Go on.” 

He’s a few back in line, so it takes another five minutes before he’s placing his order. The barista is a young guy, close to Chris’s age, with highlighted blonde hair and thick chunky glasses. His name tag says Thomas and above his half-apron with the cafe logo on it he’s wearing a Madonna t-shirt that Chris is envious of. 

“Where’d you get that shirt?” He asks with a friendly smile. 

“Oh, this old thing?” Thomas laughs, high and soft. “Literally, it’s an old thing. I found it at this absolutely adorable little thrift store a few blocks over.” 

He rattles off an exact location that Chris forgets as soon as he hears, unfamiliar with the area as he is. 

“Thanks,” Chris says, and then places their orders. 

“Name?” Thomas asks. 

“Chris.” He doesn’t bother giving a separate name for Darren’s, since Chris is just going to wait while they’re being made. 

He’s desperately clinging to the moment to try and soothe his nerves. His gaze keeps darting over to Darren and his friends, already filling the cafe with laughter. He’s embarrassed when one of Darren’s friends catches him smiling, so he looks back around the counter and watches the drinks being made. 

“So, are you from around here?” Thomas asks, noticing that Chris’s attention is back on him. 

“No, just visiting,” Chris says. “I love it, though. I already don’t want to leave.” 

“Best place in the world to live,” Thomas says with confidence. He disappears from Chris’s view for a second and comes back brandishing the two cups. He winks at Chris as he slides them over. “Call me if you need a tour guide.” 

Chris tilts his head slightly and is about to ask what when he realizes that there’s a phone number scrawled onto the cup. 

It takes Darren all of five minutes to notice, despite Chris attempting to keep the side of the cup with the number on it turned toward himself. 

Someone else is in the middle of telling a story when Darren’s hand slips past his to spin the cup, the edge of the writing having caught his eye. He squints at it and then looks over at Chris, who shrugs helplessly and tries not to grin too hard. 

Darren’s fingers tighten around the cup until the plastic pops and then he lets go, turning away from Chris to answer a question someone has just asked him. 

*

Darren’s friends are nice. They’re loud, and funny, and about what he had expected from the sort of person he knows Darren is drawn to. 

Most of the afternoon is spent reminiscing about things that happened in school, and catching up on people’s lives and what they’ve been doing the last couple of years. Chris is the quietest out of the bunch, but mostly because he’s just taking it all in. 

Thomas walks over after an hour or so. “Just checking to see if I can get anyone anything?” 

He addresses it to the group but it’s Chris that he offers a lingering smile to. 

Chris yelps, not in response to Thomas but because Darren has just reached down and grabbed the bottom of Chris’s chair to scoot it over to close to him. ‘We’re fine,” Darren says, pulling his arm around Chris, too. “Aren’t we, babe?”

Thomas’s face falls. He tries to recover smoothly, but there’s definitely a moment of obvious disappointment there. 

Chris has the absurd urge to apologize to him for Darren’s little display, though he also can’t say that he really minds. Darren being a little bit jealous is sort of... fun, in a way. 

“Actually,” Alexis, one of Darren’s friends, says. “You guys have those great ginger cookies here, don’t you? Could we get a few of those?” 

“Coming right up.” Thomas walks away. 

Everyone looks at Darren. Most of them are either smirking or outright laughing. “Well, some things don’t change.” 

“Whatever.” Darren blushes a little but holds his ground. Chris is flummoxed. 

*

Chris doesn’t bring it up again until they’re back in Darren’s bedroom later that evening. Since they spent the whole day out and his parents have plans, they’d already decided to make dinner together and just stay in. 

“So.” Chris says, glancing over. Darren is sitting at his keyboard plonking out some sort of complicated tune like it’s nothing. “Did that really bother you earlier?”

“Hm? When Eduardo said that thing about my hair?” Darren just laughs. “No way. Did you see his hairline? He’s jealous.” 

Chris grins. “Definitely. But that isn’t what I meant.” 

“Ahhh.” Darren spins around on the stool and then shrugs. “I don’t know. It was just weird.” 

“That a guy gave me his number?” Chris isn’t sure if he should be offended or not. 

“I guess... yeah?” Darren looks down at the keyboard and starts to play in earnest, humming along. It’s not a song that Chris has heard before. “This is something I’ve been working on. You like it?” 

Chris listens, and then says, “Yeah. It’s... intense. Does it have lyrics yet?” 

Darren shrugs. “Not finished. I’ll let you know when it is, though.”

* 

His birthday falls two days later, and Darren makes a day of it. 

Chris refuses to let him spend much money but Darren ignores him, taking Chris out for breakfast and then what he refers to as some of San Francisco’s gayest fashionista hot spots. 

Chris would actually like to know how Darren knows this, considering Darren’s wardrobe consists mostly of stupid t-shirts and slightly less stupid t-shirts and baggy jeans. Which is just fine with Chris - but it does make it sort of a surprise when Darren takes Chris out for a new outfit. 

It’s fun, though. Darren is a good shopping partner - tireless, willing to carry bags, and always ready with an honest opinion. Chris ends up with new jeans, black boots, and a shirt that isn’t that daring by itself but when combined with the rest of the outfit makes him look entirely more grown up than he actually feels. 

“What about you?” Chris asks once they’re back at Darren’s house getting dressed. He’s wiggling into the jeans, knowing how painted on and frankly, flattering, they’ll look... eventually. “I swear, if anyone knew what it took to actually put these on, they’d stop thinking they were sexy.”

Darren looks over at Chris, who has them up to mid-thighs. “Oh, I don’t know. That’s not a bad view.” 

Chris rolls his eyes. “But what are you wearing?” He asks again. 

“Oh, I don’t know. Jeans and a t-shirt. Tonight’s about you killing it, not me.” He gives Chris a little smile. “I’m just the lucky dude that gets to accompany you.” 

Chris doesn’t respond, because he’s managed to get the jeans on and zipped. “Hah!” He celebrates his victory by sitting down, immediately wincing. “Please tell me these will loosen up the more I wear them?” 

Darren laughs. “You are fucking adorable.” 

He does convince Darren to try and tame his curls a little bit while Chris does his hair and then slides his feet into his new boots. He’ll probably have blisters, but it’s worth it for the overall look. 

He adds a black cuff to his wrist, another present from Darren. Pleasant warmth tickles through him when he thinks of Darren trying it on him in the store, the intense look in his eyes while he buckled the leather and then rubbed a finger between it and the bone of Chris’s wrist. 

Darren glances over and sees Chris buckling it, smiling. 

*

Chris is swaying to the music all by himself, thrilled with the song and with this place and with Darren and with life. He can see Darren at the bar from where he’s standing and he’s content with that, not caring that Darren is off making friends, because that’s what Darren does. 

That’s what Chris wants to do, too. It’s his birthday and he’s got a gorgeous boy buying him drinks all night long if he wants. He gets to go home with that same gorgeous boy and do gorgeous naked things and it’s going to be wonderful. 

“Hi there,” a voice says. Chris turns around, and - wow. There’ s a guy. A really tall, attractive guy. “Can I buy you a drink?” 

“I’m here with my boyfriend,” Chris says, but he does smile. 

“Aww.” The guy pouts. “Can I buy him a drink, too? I mean, if he meets your standards, he must be pretty hot, too...” 

The remark confuses Chris until the implication sinks in. Oh, God, Darren is gonna love it when Chris tells him about this. “Oh, he’s hot. But I think both of us are fine with the drinks we have now.” 

Chris sort of giggles and then immediately wants to cringe, because it’s like he’s trying to sound as young as possible. The guy just seems amused, though. He reaches out and puts a hand on Chris’s shoulder, letting it stroke down his arm slowly. “Well, if you change your mind...” 

“I won’t.” Chris says it with confidence. Then, because his parents instilled him with politeness that is apparently hard to shake even in a club in San Francisco with men in various states of undress writhing sinuously all around him, he adds. “But thank you.” 

* 

“It’s my birthday!” Chris announces, to anyone and everyone. 

Cheers erupt around him at his announcement. 

He feels _wonderfully_ drunk right now. They’ve been here a couple of hours, dancing having fun. Darren isn’t even drinking, since he’d brought his car, but Chris knows Darren doesn’t need alcohol to have fun. 

He hears Darren laughing, pressed against his back as Chris leans into him. Darren is so warm, and smells so good. Chris turns his face so he can press a kiss to Darren’s neck. He has to lean over a little more to do it than he used to. 

“I’m getting taller,” he tells Darren, smirking. “And you aren’t.” 

“Low blow, Colfer,” Darren teases back. “But you’re right. Somebody had a growth spurt.” 

Chris snickers. 

“What?” Darren asks, kissing the back of his neck. 

“You said...” Chris drops his voice low and turns his head again to whisper. “Spurt.” 

“You bet I did. And we’ll explore that some more later, won’t we?” 

“Birthday blowjobs.” Chris has been _promised_ them. He intends on collecting. 

“Birthday boy, did I hear that right?” A thickly accented man asks, interrupting them. 

“Yes!” Chris beams at him from his spot in Darren’s arms. “Me. I’m nin-” 

Darren slaps a hand over his mouth. “He’s twenty-one.” 

“Oh, perfect.” The man winks at Chris. “Just the right age.” 

“For what?” Chris asks. 

“For me to ask you to dance.” 

Darren’s arms tighten around him. “

“I’m already dancing,” Chris says, though he’s not really _dancing_ so much as sort of swaying in place against Darren. 

“Come on, sweetheart.” The man looms in closer and he’s obviously drunk. “I’ll buy you a drink.” 

“He’s with his boyfriend, dickwad.” Darren’s voice is more terse than Chris has really ever heard it before. 

The guy looks back and forth between them, lets his eyes settle on Darren as he looks him up and down, then addresses Chris again. “You can do better, gorgeous.”

“Asshole,” Darren mutters. 

Chris turns in Darren’s arms, holding his drink carefully over Darren’s shoulder so he won’t spill it. “Could have let him buy me the drink first.” 

He means it to be a joke, just a remark made out of teasing, but Darren’s expression darkens even more. “Seriously?” 

“No,” Chris says softly. He steps back from Darren, trying to gauge how serious this is. The lights start to strobe and flash with a new song and everything is suddenly harder to see. “Not seriously. Darren?” 

Darren looks at him, and then just shakes his head, smiling in a way that is obviously forced. “Never mind. Sorry. Hey, you do need another drink. Let me go get you one.” 

Chris nods, smiling and letting Darren take the empty cup from him. 

* 

Darren is taking forever and Chris - well, he’s not bored, exactly, but he’s overwhelmed with energy and excitement and he doesn’t particularly feel like not moving, so he keeps dancing. He dances all by himself to begin with but people circle all around him. Some of them try to lead, try to make eye contact or touch him, and he slips away from their grasps like it’s nothing, but some just want to dance and he likes that. 

That’s what he’s here for. He’s here to dance... and he wants to dance with Darren, but Darren isn’t here right now and so he dances with whoever is near him. He keeps his eyes shut and he’s not giving any one person any attention. 

People are giving him attention, though. Sugary sweet alcohol scented breath wafts in front of his face. Chris pulls back on instinct but he realizes someone was talking to him. “What’s your name?” The guy shouts again, over the throb of the music. 

“Chris!” He shouts back. And because this guy looks fairly innocuous - Chris’s age, skinnier than he is and almost as short as Darren, he smiles and asks back,“Yours?” 

“Ethan!” 

“Hi, Ethan!” Chris says cheerfully, then adds. “It’s my birthday!” 

Ethan laughs. “Happy birthday!” 

Someone bumps into Ethan from behind, sending him stumbling forward. Chris grabs him to keep them both from going down. He expects Ethan to back away but he doesn’t. 

He’s still not being pushy, though, and they’re just dancing, so Chris doesn’t say anything. 

*

Five minutes later, he hears. “What the fuck?”

It’s Darren. Chris turns around, smiling. “This is Ethan!” 

Darren isn’t smiling, though. He’s glaring daggers at Ethan. “He’s got a boyfriend, dickhole.” 

Ethan looks unphased. “No problem, man. Just dancing. I’m gonna, uh... go. Bye, Chris. Have a happy birthday!” 

And then he’s gone. Chris turns, feeling uneasy from the way Darren doesn’t seem to be calming down. “Do you want to go?” 

“Yeah,” Darren snaps. “Unless you want to keep flirting.” 

Chris steps back, feeling as though he’s been struck. “What?” 

“You seemed like you’re having fun. Maybe you just want me to get lost?” Darren backs away, looking angrier than Chris has ever seen him. 

Chris grabs his arm. They need to talk, and it’s too crowded and hard to hear in the club. “Let’s go.” 

Neither of them talk until they’re outside. 

“What’s going on?” Chris asks, trying to keep the tremble out of his voice. Thunder cracks overhead but he ignores it, not moving even when Darren starts to walk toward the lot they’d parked in. 

When he realizes Chris isn’t following, Darren stops and turns around. “Come on.” 

“No,” Chris says. “Not until you tell me why you’re acting like this.” 

“Uh, because maybe it’s not fucking fun to watch my boyfriend getting hit on and loving it?” 

“Are you serious?” 

“Yes, I fucking am!” Darren’s voice rises and maybe it’s the alcohol but Chris lets his own rise to match it. “I mean, I get it, you like being the one everyone wants to take home. Must make you feel really good, but it’s shitty to have to watch happen.”

Chris is almost speechless. Almost - but not quite. “Do you not realize that I have to do that every time we go out in Michigan?” 

“Not with other guys!” Darren shouts. 

Chris’s jaw drops at the hypocrisy. “Are you even listening to yourself? You sleep with girls, too - why should it be easier for me just because it’s girls that hit on you, and I have to watch you flirt with, and not guys? I mean, if you’re comparing who has more to be jealous of here...” 

Darren doesn’t have a ready comeback. “You know I don’t mean anything by, though,” he finally says. 

“But you think I do.” Chris’s voice goes dull. 

“I just saw those guys all over you, and that guy in the coffee shop, and you just...” Darren shrugs. His voice still has that flinty edge to it. “How do I know you wouldn’t rather go home with one of _those_ guys on your birthday? How do you know you wouldn't like it better with one of them? It's not like you've even been without besides me.”

He wants to cry now. _Darren_ doesn’t trust _him_. He doesn’t even care what logic, or lack of, is behind it. It hurts. He has never given Darren any reason to think he wants anything more than what they have, and Darren still thinks the first time a guy hits on Chris something is going to happen. 

“I can’t do this right now,” Chris says. He’s not sure he can ever do this.

He can’t handle Darren looking at him like that, he can’t handle the fact that he has no one else here. He feels sick and he knows for once it isn’t the alcohol at all, it’s Darren and this conversation and how has he not known at all that this was coming? Were there signs that he missed? Is he really that bad at being in a relationship, that Darren’s unhappy with him and he hadn’t _known_? 

The silence between them stretches. 

“Chris-” Darren says, helplessly. 

“No,” Chris cuts him off, shaking his head. He’s terrified of what Darren might be about to say. He won’t be dumped in a strange city on his birthday. He won’t. 

Chris starts to walk away.

“Where are you going?” Darren asks, and Chris hears footsteps so he speeds up. He sees a cab on the corner and without stopping to answer Darren, gets in and shuts the door behind him. 

He doesn’t even think about where he’s going until the cab driver asks him for a location. 

“Train station,” he says. He’s shaking from the cold and soaking wet but he doesn’t care. Going back to Darren’s house, seeing either Darren or even just his parents, doesn’t seem like an option right now. 

He has his debit card and enough money for a ticket back to Clovis - a ticket home. His parents will pick him up. He’ll just spend the rest of his trip there, and he’ll figure out what to do about Michigan later. He can’t even fathom it right now, he can’t focus on anything except the words Darren had yelled at him and how angry he’d been. 

He tries to be as quiet as possible while he cries. He fails, and the cab driver looks back at him with more curiosity than concern. They don’t exchange a word on the drive and Chris shoves a twenty at him once they’re at the station. 

The rain hasn’t let up at all. He squints through the downpour to find the right set of doors to let him in. It’s so late at night that the station is almost empty on the inside. 

The board tells him that the next train to Fresno doesn’t leave until six am, which gives him almost seven hours to wait. He slumps against the wall and shivers hard, curling in on himself. 

He’ll just wait. He’ll have to. 

In his pocket, his phone buzzes. He picks it up and Darren’s face is on the screen. He watches until the call goes to voicemail and realizes that this is the fifth time Darren’s tried to call him. 

Almost immediately it jumps to life again. This time he shakily answers. 

“Chris? Fuck, where are you?” Darren sounds panicky. “Where’d you go?” 

“I-” His breath hitches. 

“Chris, please. Look, I’m sorry, I’m the worst kind of jerk when I get jealous, I know.” Darren pleads with him. 

“I’m at the the train station,” Chris says. “I was... I was going to go home.” 

“Don’t, please. I can come get you, okay? Please let me. Don’t leave. I know I fucked this up, but stay.” The fear in Darren’s voice is so genuine and reflects to perfectly what Chris is feeling right now. 

Darren doesn’t need to go on; Chris has already agreed in his mind before he finishes the first sentence. It just takes him a minute to find the words. “Okay. Come get me.”

*

Chris hadn’t even really registered how long the cab ride had taken, but he feels every minute it takes Darren to get there to him. 

He looks up when Darren bursts through the double doors. He looks like a wreck - breathing hard, water clinging to the hood on his sweatshirt. “Chris. You’re here.” 

Chris struggles to his feet, wiping his face off. “I said I was.” 

“I was afraid you might change your mind and get on a train,” Darren says. walking toward him and then stopping right in front of him. 

“There isn’t one,” Chris admits. “Or I might have. There isn’t one until morning.” 

“Good.” Darren shoves the hood back. Rain drops dampen his skin and make curls stick to his forehead. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too,” Chris says. He’s so confused now, but he doesn’t doubt that and if Darren is saying it, he will, too. “I thought you were breaking up with me.”

“What? Fuck. No. I don’t want to, I don’t want that. Even though you might have a right to dump my sorry ass after how I’m acting. I really love you.” Darren presses his hands to his own face. He rubs hard at his eyes with his palms and when his hands come away Chris can see how red they are, and moisture smeared on his skin. “Like - I know we’ve been saying that for months. But I think it might have been too soon, because I thought I did then but… that didn’t feel anything like this does now.” 

Chris swallows hard. “You didn’t love me?” 

“I don’t know. I just know - I do now. I know I do, because the thought of you being with someone else just makes me fucking sick. That’s how I know I love you, because I don’t think I could handle losing you.” 

“Why would you lose me? That’s not going to happen. What am I doing wrong that would make you think that?” Chris says, reaching out. He grabs Darren’s hands and pulls Darren in toward him. “I don’t know what you’re so afraid of. I’ve _never_ even _considered_ being with anyone but you. And it’s not just because no one else wanted me.” 

“People change, Chris. People grow up and... grow apart. You can’t know how you’ll feel in a couple years.” 

That Darren even thinks of them in terms of years is something Chris will celebrate - but later, privately. For this moment, Chris just meets Darren’s eyes head on. “I will change, and I will grow up, and so will you. It’s up to us to make sure we do that together and don’t lose each other.”

Darren sniffles and then gives Chris a shaky smile. “When did you get so fucking smart?” 

“Well, you know. I met this guy. He’s taught me a lot.” Chris reaches up and rubs a thumb along Darren’s cheek, wiping a tear away. Darren copies the move, cupping Chris’s face and then bringing their foreheads together while Chris keeps talking. “Now take me home, okay? It’s raining and these pants are too tight and I just want to cuddle with my boyfriend for the rest of my birthday.” 

Darren gives him a short kiss, their mouths sticking damply when he pulls back. “Yeah. I can do that. Come on, let’s go home.”


	2. Monster in the Mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. So I have a very special place in my heart (and head!) for these boys. The t&s verse came about with Mandeh and I talking back and forth about them in college and whenever we do, I always seem to have Darren’s head space/POV going through my own head and she usually has Chris’ going through hers.
> 
> So when she’s writing, she’ll mention something or ask a question on something that happens and how it sounds and I’ll nod/agree and then usually start spinning off how said event/reaction goes from Darren’s pov as that’s the lens I view this story through. Well, with original POV of this story, Part of My Chemistry, we both felt that it was such a turning point in their story, such an emotional lynchpin to the whole verse that Darren’s feelings on the matter were necessary. So she turned to me and I was only too happy to oblige. 
> 
> I hope you all will enjoy and embrace my addition to this amazing and unique verse like you have hers. I have had so much fun playing in this sandbox that I have left my toys here and plan to return soon. 
> 
> \- Mav

Darren won’t admit it to Chris but yeah, he’s a bit worried about meeting the parents. Sure, he’s done that whole thing before back in highschool, meet the mom and the dad and smile and look innocent and nice and polite before making out in the backseat of the car with hands in interesting places but that was highschool and that was then and he hasn’t had to do anything like that recently or with anyone who has mattered like Chris has. Besides he’s meeting the boyfriend’s parents and while he knows intellectually that shouldn’t be any different than meeting a girlfriend’s parents, it doesn’t really feel that way. This feels different, bigger, and he doesn’t want to fuck this up.

He can’t sleep well the night before and he knows he keeps Chris up with his tossing and turning and resorting to his Netflix queue and his laundry to distract his mind but his boyfriend is amazing and perfect and doesn’t say anything about the anxieties and restlessness that they’re both feeling.

He can see it on Chris too. Can see how he feels unsure and scared and Darren wants to take Chris in his arms and promise him that things are going to be okay and just fine and really they’re going to laugh about all of this later I promise and why were they scared again? Until then, however, he takes Chris’ hand in his as he steps off the plane, following Chris’ lead to the right baggage claim number.

*

Chris’ family is not what Darren imagines its like. He hasn’t had much experience with other families, but the ones he knew in San Francisco were a lot like his own: a bit crazy, a bit over the top but all so very open and accepting. Not that he doesn’t think the Colfer’s are accepting, just that things are more formal than he’s used to.

He sits on the bed in the guest room (the freaking guest room!) and gives it a small test bounce. He sighs and looks around the room and it is nothing like Chris’ eclectic yet clean chaotic mess. It’s nice and impersonal and Darren frowns and wants to immediately go back and push Chris’ door open and climb into bed with him but he knows he can’t. Chris had practically winced at the idea when Darren brought up sneaking back in and yeah, yeah that kinda hurts. He knows why Chris is against it now, knows how awkward that would be with his parents but it still kinda hurts.

Darren hasn’t slept apart from Chris for a night or two in... god. Weeks. Probably an unhealthy response in the beginning of a relationship but it was the only way they got time together and fuck Darren just wants to be around Chris. Clothes on, clothes off, clothes somewhere in between with hips bumping and grinding together as hurriedly as possible-- it doesn’t matter to him. He just wants to be with him and knowing Chris is right down the hall, sleeping in his nice, warm pajama bottoms and t-shirt and looking more adorable than he should and knowing he can’t do anything about it is driving Darren _bonkers_.

*

The food they were offered on the plane was barely quantifiable as food and Darren is starving. So at Chris’ suggestion for a quick trip to grab some food before getting settled in, he jumps on it.

He follows Chris into the small burger joint. It's not very big but there are people packed everywhere in the way that only the best, small local joints do. They snag a table near the back, menus in front of them as they sit opposite one another across the teetering formica table. Darren takes a moment to look around, spotting pictures of high school teams and clubs hanging all along the wall along with a large group of rowdy not-quite teens in the back. They look to be around their age, right at the cusp of teenage-dom and moving past but Darren isn't quite sure.

He can tell when a guy looks over at them and then back to his friend, whispering before they both start laughing and nodding.

"Know them?" Darren asks, hoping that it might be some old acquaintances of Chris' from high school. Some so and so's from some organization that he was in.

"Wha--?" Chris looks confused before turning to see the group Darren is indicating. He flushes and turns back around. "No."

That's all Chris says and he keeps his body turned away from the group, ignoring them and the loud bursts of laughter coming from them. Darren just frowns but doesn't say anything. Doesn't know what to say.

*

Darren sits in the car next to Hannah on the way to the train station, wanting to reach over her and grab Chris' hand. Things have felt weird, awkward, between them the past two days and it sets him on edge a bit and Darren wants to say he knows why but Chris won't say. Darren only thinks he knows why.

Hannah keeps going on about something and Darren has to be okay with a small smile between them as Chris catches his eye and that's good, it makes him feel better but not the way wrapping himself around Chris and nuzzling into his neck would make him feel. But right now, Darren knows Chris wouldn't appreciate it. He wouldn't appreciate it and he can't do to their positions in the car so its pointless to even want it.

When they pull up in front of the train station Darren hopes, thinks maybe we can walk away for a bit... But he knows they can't. That even if they did his family would still watch while pretending not to watch and that would just be awkward for everyone involved, maybe even him. As it is, he leans in enough to hug Chris and pull him tight briefly and that does feel good, feels like the fucking best and they haven't done this enough lately and god the two weeks they'll be apart is going to be the worst.

Up until recently, Darren had successfully managed to sleep together with Chris in his apartment for at least a couple nights every week for the last few weeks (it wasn’t as often as Darren would have liked but it was as often as Chris felt like he wasn’t overstaying his welcome staying over), effectively keeping himself from having to sleep alone for a long time. Long enough to have gotten used to it and love it and need Chris there to curl himself around and steal blankets from. Having a whole bed to himself was too much at this point.

And now. Now he was going to be going two weeks before he could pull his boyfriend down into a bed with him and wrap himself around him and fuck he was already feeling the hot pain of separation.

He says goodbye to Hannah and to Chris’ parents before turning to his boyfriend, smiling over at him. He takes a deep breath and opens his arms wide for a hug because if nothing else he’s getting this. He’s holding his boyfriend close to him so that he can memorize his feel and his smell and the weight and press of his body against his own to replay over and over again while he lies lonely in his bed in San Francisco and waits for Chris to come down and press that familiar weight back into him.

But the hug is quicker than Darren wants, for propriety’s sake, and Chris is pulling back away from him. “Love you,” Darren says, quietly but clearly, wanting to have this with him. Even if they slept apart and haven’t been able to show each other as much physical affection as before they have this growing between them to remember and remind themselves of what they feel for one another.

But Chris just flushes and looks away, dropping back from Darren’s arms and mumbling something about texting him as he moves away. It feels like a kick in the chest to Darren not to get those words back. He hadn’t realized how accustomed he’d already become to hearing them until he didn’t have Chris repeating them back. And not only that but Chris... walking away, as if he was embarrassed or ashamed and Darren didn’t know that this could hurt like a physical thing. That this could feel like an actual punch to his heart and leave him rubbing at his chest as if that could ease the physical ache he feels there.

Chris is scrambling into the car and Darren is stepping back towards the train station feeling completely numb.

*

When he’s finally settled himself down on the train, he pulls his phone back out and immediately goes for Julia. Joey is his close friend and he loves Joe and Dylan and all the guys but they can’t help with this. Julia... Julia can. She knows him in different ways than the others do, knows what he’s like in a relationship and fuck if she isn’t the one who can calm him down when he’s losing his shit.

He figures the other passengers don’t want to hear the ins and outs of his love life and resorts to texting, figuring that’s easy and safe and will get him what he needs.

_I think Chris might be over me._

Well. That’s subtle and non-dramatic enough. Darren sighs and knocks his head against the glass window next to him until his phone buzzes in his hand.

_… what??_

He looks down at it and frowns at the response. He’s vaguely annoyed that Julia can not discern what the problem he’s having already is with just his blatant bat-signal to her for her help. His fingers fly across the screen as he explains himself and what the past few days have been like and how Chris wouldn’t even say I love you back to him at the train station and how its leaving him feeling like he is: unsure and in pain.

_Oh, darren. <3_

And then again from Julia.

 _didn’t you say he just came out to his family over christmas? maybe everything is still new to them? not everyone grew up and lives in super duper awesome frisco town with parents who don’t care about their kids being sexual beings so long as they’re happy and safe. actually that’d be most parents not like that. i’m sure he loves you darren, he’s just nervous with his family. you were nervous meeting them right? chill. don’t read too much into this. and text your boy. talk to him. not me. i’m adding this to your bill._  
  
Darren rolls his eyes at the super long text message but somehow it does make things feel a bit better. His chest still hurts when he remembers the panicked expression on Chris’ face when he said “love you” but Julia has a point. He closes his eyes until his phone vibrates again with a message from Chris. His smile grows a bit wider, a bit happier as he thumbs in this response.  
  
*  
  
Two weeks on paper seems like a relatively short time. Two weeks in actuality is forever. Darren loves being back in San Francisco, in his gorgeous city by the bay with all of its tiny coffee shops and eclectic music stores and vintage clothing shops and used book stores. He loves everything about his city except for one thing: that Chris isn’t in it yet.  
  
Chuck makes fun of him, of how attached he is to his phone and how he jumps each time it chirps at him, alerting him of another message. Darren wants to make a comeback about how Chuck was following his current girlfriend around like a lost puppy but he is nice enough not to say as much. Also Chris calls him to distract him.  
  
*  
  
Darren wakes up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep. It’s the first time in a very, very long time since he’s had a nightmare wake him up and leave him so shaky but he can’t help it. Watching Chris, even in a dream, go running off with some other guy and leave Darren just standing there watching is enough to make him feel like he has a hole in the chest.  
  
The memories from the train station come back quickly, along with the weird distances between them in Clovis and Darren physically drags his guitar out of the closet and sits crossed legged on his bed with his guitar in his lap. He doesn’t have Chris in his bed to curl up around and he’s not about to call him at 3 in the morning and he doesn’t have Julia’s wise, comforting words to read back to himself and he does the only thing he knows how to do to work through this: he closes his eyes and feels and begins to play.  
  
*  
  
It takes days, but Chris is finally there, coming off the train and walking towards him, suitcases in hand and all Darren can do is just smile. It hass been two weeks but god, Chris looks so good and he can’t wait to just wrap his arms around Chris and breathe him in. He takes a moment, waiting for Chris to say its okay before he’s doing just that, letting Chris’ shampoo and aftershave hit him and curl around him as he nuzzles into his neck and whispers “I missed you” against his skin.  
  
*  
  
“I am so glad you’re here,” he whispers into Chris’ ear as the stand close together, riding on a cable car towards the Fisherman’s Wharf. He slips his hand into Chris, tangling their fingers together as he just smiles and presses closer to him, as if its all just to give other people more space.  
  
He’s pretty sure Chris knows what he’s doing but he doesn’t say anything, just lets him get away with it.  
  
Chris squeezes his hand back, bumping and nudging their shoulders together in time with the trolley car. “I am too.”  
  
*

  
Darren follows Chris into the small coffee shop, ducking into the cool air and taking a moment to let his eyes adjust to the darkened store before he spots his friends over in the corner, waving maniacally at them. Darren waves back, grinning and bouncing on the balls of his feet.  
  
“Go on and say hi,” Chris urges him with a nudge of the elbow.  
  
“You sure?” Darren doesn’t want to make Chris feel like he’s abandoning him but he hasn’t seen Melissa or Corey for ages.  
  
Chris rolls his eyes and insists he has it and Darren grins wider and is off towards the back, bouncing around for hugs and back slaps and even a few very friendly-platonic cheek kisses. He plops himself into a chair, snagging another from a nearby table where he has a view of Chris in line on his phone.  
  
“Sooo...” Melissa starts, pushing in closer to Darren. “I see its true then.”  
  
“What?” Darren asks, his eyes flicking off Melissa’s face and to Chris quickly. He’s pretty sure what he knows this entire conversation topic is about and he’s not embarrassed by Chris or their relationship at all, never, he just knows he’s never going to stop hearing the end of it from this group of friends.  
  
Melissa shrugs and looks behind her at Chris and then back to Darren. “Just that its true, you’re embracing your college years to grow and explore. Good for you.”  
  
“Hey, no.” Darren shifts in his chair and moves closer to Melissa, his smile quickly turning upside down. “It’s not like that. I’m not, this isn’t just exploring,” Darren repeats, the word obviously leaving a bad taste in his mouth. “We’re more than that. He’s more than that.”  
  
Melissa’s face changes and she quickly shakes her head, reaching out to grab Darren’s hand and squeezes it. “I just meant you were growing as a person Dar, you know we wouldn’t judge you for anything. Not this.”  
  
Darren smiles back, a bit smaller than before but heartfelt and Melissa squeezes his hand again.  
  
“So. How’s the sex?” Rob asks, his grin huge and it doesn’t take more than a moment before Darren is laughing again and shaking his head. He knows Chris will kill him if he starts divulging their sex life to more people. Their friends at Michigan already know more than Chris is probably comfortable with about the noises he makes during sex so Darren plays coy until they lose interest and move on to something else.  
  
He sits back in the conversation and just lets it go on around him, his eyes flicking back over to Chris to take him in. He looks so good here in San Francisco; part of it is the city Darren knows, the relaxation in his shoulders coming from the acceptance that radiates everywhere here but he figures the tight jeans and coiffed hair have something to do with it too (and Darren has certainly been enjoying the tighter cut of his jeans).  
  
He drops his chin on his hand and watches as Chris shoves his phone into his back pocket (absurdly, ridiculously tight back pocket) and orders their drinks. Darren loves that smile of Chris’ and the way he looks up from under his lashes, all wide eyed and innocent (usually when he’s anything but) and Darren is beginning to now also notice the look the barista is sending Chris. Darren doesn’t like that.  
  
Barista’s eyes keep flicking to Chris lips as they talk, Chris’ head going back as he laughs at something that’s said and even that makes Darren’s belly clench with jealousy. He wants to make Chris laugh, other people can make him laugh too but not when they also look at him like that. He wants to walk over and grab Chris, wrap his arms around him and glare at the barista but he makes himself stay sitting. He knows, he knows, he has a wide jealous streak that is easily provoked and he doesn’t want to show Chris that. He’s been so good at school, being around their friends is easy and he never feels jealous when Joey grabs onto Chris and hugs him or Joe pulls him down into his lap. They’re all friends and he knows them. None of them would hit on Chris.  
  
But this barista, that guy yesterday at the bike shop, even the other guys on the street that he’s noticed second glancing back at Chris and checking him out (ones he knows Chris has been completely oblivious to because somehow Chris seems to be as equally oblivious to his own gorgeousness and doesn’t even know how good he is), they all succeed in stroking that jealous monster that he knows is not too far deep inside his chest that wants to grab on and scream “Mine!” over Chris.  
  
He shoves his hands in his pocket and waits for Chris to get to the table with their drinks, the monster in his chest pacified slightly by Chris sitting close to him and leaning in. He can smell Chris’ aftershave and it has a calming effect. His shoulders relax and his spine slumps and he breathes a bit easier. He laughs more freely and engages in the conversation around him more, always keeping a close eye on Chris next to him, wanting to make sure he’s still comfortable and relaxed.  
  
“Can I get you guys anything else?”  
  
Darren’s spine goes rigid as he hears the Barista again, standing right there and smiling as if he’s being helpful as he blatantly eyes up Darren’s boyfriend. Jealousy surges back up inside his chest and Darren doesn’t bother trying to stop himself as he slithers an arm around Chris, tugging him in close to his body to blatantly let this guy know that Chris? Is not available. He is so far off the market its almost laughable. He is happily spoken for now take your ginger cookie and fuck off coffee boy.  
  
Darren is close to grinding his teeth and growling when Melissa’s laughter finally breaks through.  
  
“I guess some things never change,” she teases him and Darren flushes, letting his arm drop slightly. Chris looks over to him, obviously confused by what that was all about and Darren doesn’t know how to just explain this feeling he has inside when other guys start looking at Chris like they know he can do better than Darren (and Darren is the first to admit that he knows he can) and that they can be the better.  
  
So he just gives Chris a smile and half a shrug and leans in to kiss his cheek, hoping that he can distract him enough and pretend it didn’t happen.  
  
*  
  
Darren curls up next to Chris on the couch as he thumbs the button on the remote control to play the movie. A popcorn bowl rests in Chris’ lap and Darren uses that as an excuse to sit closer to him. The house is empty and he’s assured Chris his parents will take a long time on their own date night, giving them plenty of time alone together at home.  
  
The opening credits play in front of them before Chris shifts against him and says anything. “So, earlier... Today...”  
  
“Yeah?” Darren digs his fingers into the bowl of popcorn and eats some, pretending like he isn’t quite sure what it is Chris is talking about.  
  
“You know at the coffee shop? … With what happened?” Chris’ voice is hesitant, as if he expects Darren to roll his eyes or make a comment about Chris always bringing it up but Darren doesn’t say anything so Chris continues on. “And the song ….? Was that...?” Darren knows he leaves it open ended on purpose. He knows Chris knows they’re connected, he knows because Chris is smart and Chris knows him and knows that he works through things with music and thats how he does it. But he just leaves it open ended, letting Darren be the one to confirm things, letting him be the one to put a word, a name to this feeling inside of him.  
  
“I just...” Darren looks over at Chris, their fingers meeting all slick and buttery inside the popcorn bowl and this feels like a Moment. Darren could take this time to tell Chris a piece of himself, a piece that he doesn’t really like and doesn’t really want Chris to see and can share it with him.  
  
But Darren can’t do that. Not yet. He still wants Chris to see him as amazing and okay, he’s sure that Chris doesn’t think he’s perfect but he does hope that Chris overlooks the bad things and he’s trying to keep the number of bad things Chris has to see about him as minimal as possible (he doesn’t want to think of the time when Chris looks at him and sees all the bad things and realizes that there is someone out there that can be better for him). He knows Chris knows but there is knowing and there is Darren confirming it and then he really will know and he just can’t.... yet.  
  
“... oh yeah. I was thinking that it might go well with the new musical that Matt’s been working on. He’s been talking to you about that one right?” He asks Chris flippantly, tossing the popcorn into his mouth. He chickens out, can’t say it just yet.  
  
*

  
It’s the day before Chris’ birthday and Darren drags him out to a small section of town with a variety of unique, vintage stores. They are some of his own favorite places to find stuff and he figures Chris will probably find something interesting there (and if not the clothes shopping then there is always that used book store to check out that he’s sure Chris will love).  
  
He’s bouncing on his toes as he drags Chris to the next store, their fingers laced together.  
  
“Come on Chris, you’ll love this place. I know I’ll love the jeans on you.” He turns around and grins over at his boyfriend who just rolls his eyes and smiles fondly back at Darren. He pushes the door open and the bell rings as they step inside, hands falling apart as they move.  
  
The store is empty except for the guy behind the register lazily flipping through a magazine and Darren looks back at Chris and grins. He’s not a shopper, not really, not like the girls are. He’s not going to go to the mall and spend hours going through store after cookie-cutter store looking for an outfit that fifty thousand different people will all be wearing. But put him in front of an old vintage store and he can spend hours going through the old shoes and trying on the different hats as he has to touch and play with each one.  
  
He happily hurries over to a rack of fedoras, fingers already reaching out and grabbing for a dark grey, pinstriped one and pulling it down over his curls, letting Chris browse through the racks.  
  
“What do you think of this one?” He asks, turning to Chris and showing off a shockingly bright green bowler hat, perched jauntily on top of his head.  
  
Chris stares at Darren, trying not to break into a huge laugh but he can’t help himself. “You look like a deranged leprechaun,” Chris giggles and Darren scowls over at him, pulling the hat off and putting it back on the rack.  
  
“See if I ask you for anymore opinions,” he harrumphs, turning so his back is to Chris. He can still hear little giggles every so often behind him from where Chris is browsing through the clothes.  
  
Darren finishes going through the hats before he spots some shoes and silver topped canes just around the corner. He shoots Chris a look before slipping off, picking up a pair of brilliantly polished shoes complete with bright white spats, certainly something with quite a bit of character. He gets distracted trying on the shoes and the canes, testing out a few tap dancing moves in front of a mirror and then adding a spin and a shuffle-ball-change for good measure.  
  
He grabs a pair of shoes and heads back to where he left Chris, whistling a song as he goes. Chris has moved on from looking at the racks and is leaning against the counter, deep in conversation with the boy working. Darren can feel that familiar feeling growing again as he stands up straighter and the monster in his chest comes roaring back to life as he notices the way the blonde behind the counter is eyeing Chris up slowly.  
  
Darren moves stiffly over to the counter, dropping the shoes down and feeling pleased when he notices the boy jumps slightly. Chris just looks over at Darren and smiles.  
  
“Find something?” He asks, looking at the shoes and raising his eyebrows. “Nice. Fancy,” he teases, smiling again at Darren like nothing is the matter, like this guy hasn’t probably been flirting with him while blatantly eye-fucking him from behind the counter and probably thinking about throwing Chris down on the counter and licking him slowly up and down his whole body and god Darren can’t stand that look on this guys face. He just wants to punch him and grab Chris and hold him close.  
  
“Yeah, found some shoes. Figured they might work well for one of our shows. So long as you don’t mind me taking up more of our closet with shoe space.” Darren’s proud of throwing that in there, letting this guy know that they share fucking closet space. You don’t share that sort of thing unless you’re serious about things and they fucking are. Serious.  
  
Darren gives him a glare when Chris isn’t watching for good measure.  
  
The blonde says nothing but rings up the shoes and runs Darren’s credit card before handing the bag with the shoes and his card and receipt back with a smile. “Have a great day. Was awesome talking to you Chris, I’ll be sure to e-mail you later!”  
  
“Sure,” Chris agrees, smiling back and waving at him before falling into step alongside Darren as they leave.  
  
Darren can’t help the feeling of sudden dread that creeps up over him at that. He can feel the bottom of his stomach drop out and he just can’t right now. Not now. He can’t do this with Chris, losing Chris now of all times.  
  
He quickly looks over at Chris, wanting to demand to know what that was all about but Chris is practically shining out in the sun, grabbing his hand (for once! Chris feeling calm and relaxed enough to grab his hand out in public and thread their fingers together) before tugging him over to a nearby ice cream stand.  
  
“Come on, my treat!” He says with a smile and Darren has to smile back because how can he not when Chris looks at him like that and takes his hand in his and how could Darren ever want anything other than this right here with this boy?  
  
*  
  
It’s Chris’ birthday and Darren is fucking taking him out. He’s gonna show him what its all about; gonna get them jacked up on some cheap champagne and let the good times all roll out. Yeah, its going to be epic and amazing. Darren has been planning tonight for weeks, looking for just the right club, the right combo of gay dance bar and well stocked bar that doesn’t check cheap I.D.’s too deeply without being too stereotyped and cheesy and it took forever to find.  
  
But tonight is going to be great, he’s going to go out with his boy and they’re going to drink and dance together and not worry about what anyone else says or what anyone else thinks because they’ll all be doing the same thing and if Darren is a lucky boy and does a good job he’ll be getting lucky later after he gives Chris his happy birthday blowjob.  
  
Darren snakes an arm low on Chris waist, right above where his hips shake back and forth as he moves through the crowd. He takes a moment to step back and just look Chris over right now, really taking his time to appreciate the way Chris’ new jeans cling to the very dip and curve of his ass, the waistband low enough down on his hips to officially be considered teasing. His black button up is fitted, showing off the broadness of his shoulders and where he narrows down to his tiny, trim waist, right where Darren wants to nuzzle and nibble and run his hands over possessively. His hair is coiffed up, some new style that is reminiscent of the screen stars of the sixties and shouldn’t even look good but does because it’s Chris and he can pull this kind of pompadour off.  
  
And then there’s the cuff.  
  
When Chris found it in a small junk shop on Union Street, Darren was quick to dig his wallet out of his pocket, fingering out the money and handing it over to the man at the till before he pressed a kiss to the white skin on Chris’ wrist and wrapped the leather over it. Darren can’t pull his eyes up from it now and he wants Chris to never, ever take that leather cuff off (he’s purposefully trying not to think about what that might mean about their sex life or what he wants from their sex life because they might love each other and have been together for six months but thinking about cuffing Chris and tying him up or being tied up by him is something else entirely and Darren doesn’t think he’s quite ready to travel down that road yet).  
  
Darren slips a hand into Chris’ back pocket, squeezing his ass and grinning when Chris squeaks and spins around to glare at him.  
  
“Gonna get you something to drink gorgeous,” Darren murmurs, pressing a loose kiss to the corner of Chris’ lips. “Birthday boy needs something to get this party started.”  
  
“Ooh, yes he does,” Chris agrees, grinning and wrapping his arms loosely around Darren’s waist.  
  
“I’m thinking he needs a sloe, comfortable screw,” Darren decides, his hips thrusting lazily against Chris. He can feel Chris stiffen at first in his arms before looking around briefly and relaxing against him, pushing back against him.  
  
“Oh, I definitely think he does,” Chris agrees and Darren just thrills with how Chris is teasing and playing back with him.  
  
“Stay right here hot shot,” Darren says, grabbing a quick kiss before he pulls back. “And I’ll get you one.” He slips away and pushes through the bar, shouting out an order to the bartender before sitting back to wait. He can see Chris moving through the crowd, can see when he gets excited by a new song he likes coming on the stereo system. He can also see all the looks Chris is getting right now and as much as it makes him bristle he can’t blame anyone right now for looking at him because Chris looks like innocent sex, who looks and seems so sweet and innocent until you see the large leather cuff on his wrist and the way he twists and moves his hips and you know he knows how to fucking use them to make you scream (and god, Darren knows he does).  
  
He looks back to the bartender, really wanting his drink so he can get back to Chris but the man is still bogged down in orders. Darren looks back at Chris who is staring at another guy, the man backing off but still grinning and leering back at Chris and fuck. Darren pushes away from the bar, wanting to do something but the guy is already gone and Chris has moved on but the burn is still in his chest. He knew what that look was about, knew what that man wanted but he’s gone, he’s going, he’s getting the fuck out of dodge and fucking good.  
  
Their drinks are done and its about fucking time because Darren can not just stand here and wait any longer. He grabs the glasses and makes his way through the crowd over to Chris. There is a guy standing right off to the side, making eyes at Chris, zeroing in on how he swivels and shakes his hips and he keeps giving Darren the eye as if to say back off, this one is mine and Darren wants to laugh and growl and throw his drink in his face and smirk widely because no he fucking does not.  
  
He does smirk as he slinks in alongside Chris, pressing his chest to Chris’ back and wrapping himself around Chris as best he can. “Hey baby, miss me?” He asks, nuzzling into his neck and pressing a kiss there before handing over Chris’ drink. He sends the other man a victorious look, unable, and honestly not really wanting, to stop the smirk from forming.  
  
“Ooh, thank you,” Chris hums and turns in his arms, tasting his drink before humming in pleasure and downing half of it immediately.  
  
“You like it then I take it?” Chris just hums again and begins to move in time with Darren, their bodies pressed close together, hips rocking and moving. Darren quickly downs his own drink before pushing against Chris, moving his hips in time to the beat and pulling Chris’ along with him.  
  
Chris finishes his own drink and Darren can tell when the alcohol begins to hit because he goes looser, more relaxed and his moves become more fluid, less restrained. He pushes a thigh in between Darren’s and Darren can’t stop himself from riding up on it and groaning and Chris just moves there in front of him and is smirking and Darren thought he was the one in control here tonight but fuck there is no way. Just one move, one twitch of Chris’ hips and thighs and Darren is pushing and pressing and wanting to rut up against him to the dirty beat in the club and it is ridiculous how turned on this boy gets him.  
  
He can see the other guys around them, looking at them, no looking at him at Chris and he can feel that slow burn of jealousy but its pushed to the back right now, not allowed to take over as Chris is giving him attention, is dancing with him and he can’t focus on anything else but the gorgeous way his boyfriend moves when he’s halfway drunk on alcohol and lust.  
  
Chris moves and turns in his arms, pushing until his back is once again to Darren’s front and his ass is pushing back into Darren’s cock. Darren groans and pushes forward, thrusting against Chris’ ass and the sudden visuals Darren gets, the ideas of that... He moans and wraps his fingers around Chris’ slim hips as he takes his time thrusting and rubbing against Chris’ ass and thinking about what it might be like to push into him.  
  
And Chris is laughing and kissing his neck and he feels so good against Darren’s body, he fucking loves having Chris pressed up against and around him. Even if they’re no longer the same height and he can’t hook his chin over his shoulder anymore, that’s fine, he can lean in and tuck his face against Chris’ neck and nuzzle and lick there and fuck its just as good--no, it’s better.  
  
Darren laughs and Chris is already tipsy and happy and pliant in his arms and later is going to be so amazing he can’t even wait. He opens his mouth to press open kisses up and down Chris’ neck but someone steps up in front of Chris, wide, smirky grin in place and eyes roving up and down Chris’ body in a way that makes the hair on Darren’s neck stand up.  
  
“Birthday boy, did I hear that right?” He asks, his eyes focusing on Chris and ignoring Darren for the moment.  
  
“Yes! Me!” Chris is so eager and so excited, offering up information and Darren quickly answers, covering up Chris’ own answer.  
  
“Twenty-one!” He says quickly. His arms tighten around Chris and they just move closer together. Darren can feel the burning growing in his chest but it feels better, feels lighter the more Chris leans back against him. At least until the man asks Chris to dance. His arms tighten around Chris because fuck this guy, he’s not taking the obvious ‘no, we’re here together’ for an answer and he’s being a fucking dick and pushing and Darren isn’t above pushing back if he needs to because he fucking will six foot eight tall model or not.  
  
“I’m already dancing,” Chris replies back, as if he doesn’t quite get what this guy is saying. It’s not just a dance this guy wants, not just a quick birthday-innocent dance before he lets Chris go back to Darren, no. He wants Chris.  
  
“Come on sweetheart, I’ll buy you a drink,” he offers, leaning in to Chris’ body. Darren can smell the alcohol from the man’s breath and he knows the man is drunk but that doesn’t stop the growl in the back of his throat, nor does it stop the way he wants to punch the man in the neck.  
  
“He’s with his boyfriend dickwad,” Darren finally spits out. He’s pressed tight against Chris, practically plastered against him and holding on to him as he stares this fucking dick down. The man just looks at Darren as if finally seeing him for the first time. He looks back to Chris and then back over to Darren and he actually chuckles and Darren seethes, seeing red.  
  
“You can do better, gorgeous,” the man finally says to Chris.  
  
And Darren feels sucker punched. It hits him in a spot he didn’t even know he was leaving open and vulnerable and he has no response to that other than a muttered, “Asshole.”  
  
“You could have let him buy me a drink first.”  
  
And fuck, if he thought the strangers comment hurt this comes out of left field and blindsides him.  
  
“The fuck--?” Darren mumbles to himself, stumbling back and away from Chris because this is the last thing he expected. His boyfriend wanting to encourage the flirting, even for alcohol is something he doesn’t want, not even to briefly contemplate thinking about. “Seriously?”  
  
Chris blinks and it seems to take too long for him to say, “No, not seriously. Darren?” And Darren just can’t deal with all the things he’s feeling right now right in front of Chris. If he stays right here he’s going to say something and it's too soon and not the right time for this (never the right time for this).  
  
Instead he says, “Never mind. Sorry. Hey, you do need another drink. Let me go get you one.” Darren pushes away from Chris heading over to the bar before changing directions and heading towards the bathroom. He slips inside, pushing past the groups of men that are pressed against a wall kissing and touching and humping to the beat.  
  
He catches his image in the mirror and stops, turning to face it. Moving over to the mirror, he grips the sink, taking a minute to look at his reflection. His hair is a huge mess of curls, going every which way despite how sweaty he is from the heat of the bodies and from dancing. He’s wearing a favorite tee-shirt, fitted but faded with Madonna emblazoned in her eighties glory on the front. His jeans are loose and comfortable and he looks like himself.  
  
He doesn’t think about himself much, not in the sense of what he looks like and how others see him. He’s himself and he’s comfortable with that. He knows other people see him as attractive but he knows its not because he’s sexy. Joe is sexy, has the tight six pack abs and that whole lantern jaw thing going and he’s heard the girls talk about him before and hey, he can admit Joe’s a good looking guy and he is so not Joe. He is funny and silly and he knows girls like him because he’s adorable and sweet and occasionally charming but not because he’s sexy. And that was fine for him, he’s done his own thing, beaten his own drum and made his own path and its worked for him and he’s never felt like he’s never been not enough... But the strangers words ring in his head, saying what he’s been feeling since he saw Chris earlier tonight. And this week and two weeks ago in Clovis and maybe in the back of his head for awhile. Chris is so much and right now Darren feels like not enough. Standing in the bathroom of a gay club in San Francisco, Darren just suddenly feels like an overly curly hobbit and that he doesn’t belong next to Chris, dressed up and shining like a brand new gay penny.  
  
He tugs on his shirt, pulling it down and squirming on the spot. He feels itchy and awkward in his skin in a way he’s not sure he’s ever felt and doesn’t know what to do about it. He turns the taps on to the sink, running cold water to splash over his face before he runs his fingers through his mass of hair, trying to tame it down a bit. He never wants to change himself but he wants to feel like he belongs next to his boyfriend, like they go together and right now, in fact this whole week, he feels like he’s been the one who doesn’t belong.  
  
He quickly turns and heads back out into the club, swinging by the bar to get Chris another drink like he said he was going to. He takes his time, wanting to clear his mind and push the negative thoughts out of his head before he finds Chris. They’re running too close to the surface and he doesn’t want to deal with them right now.  
  
Grabbing the drink he turns, eyes searching for Chris before spotting him, dancing together with some guy. Chris grins over at the guy and moves to the beat, the other guy moving along with him, not touching but his body is close. Darren wasn’t even gone ten minutes and Chris is already dancing with some other guy, probably had some other guy bringing him drinks like he said and reaching out to touch him and--fuck Darren’s heart clenches in a tight, hot painful way.  
  
He slams the drink down on the bar, not caring that the alcohol sloshes out onto the bar top and his wrist. Hurrying out into the crowd, Darren moves until he’s right behind Ethan, just watching them move before he growls, “What the fuck?” And Chris is just grinning like this is no fucking big deal, like he doesn’t even care that every time Darren turns around people are hitting on him and touching him and giving him his number and telling him to fucking dump Darren because he’s not good enough for Chris and he doesn’t even seem to get it and he’s just smiling like that doesn’t fucking hurt.  
  
“He’s got a boyfriend, dickhole,” he snaps at Ethan, glaring at the other man long enough for him to slink off and disappear and fuck Chris for giving him those sad, hurt puppy eyes for sending the other guy away. He shouldn’t have to be sending guys away, Chris shouldn’t be sad for them to go, he should want them gone. It’s driving him crazy and all he can see in his head is Chris moving with Ethan, Chris with the guy from before, Chris with every guy here who has been eyeing him up and trying to hit on him the whole night and Darren can’t fucking do this, not now, not tonight.  
  
“Do you want to go?” Chris asks, voice tentative and unsure.  
  
He snaps at Chris, “Yeah, unless you want to keep flirting,” and turns to leave, the jealousy burning hot and bright in his chest and pacing back and forth like a caged animal. He can see Chris stepping back, eyes wide and looking as if Darren has physically hit him but Darren is so mentally wound up, the animal pacing, pacing, making him feel like a caged animal himself, wanting to break out and scream and pound on something until the rage and the hot, jealous anger is gone.  
  
Chris is grabbing his arm and dragging him out of the club but Darren can’t go, not like this. He pulls his arm out of Chris’ grasp and stalks out after him, feeling prickly and on edge.  
  
Chris is trying to talk to him right now but he doesn’t want to talk. He wants to go home. He wants to go home where his and Chris’ things are strewn together, where their shoes are all mixed up and Darren’s boxers are mixed in Chris’ bag and the bed smells like them and he remembers how it felt to have Chris curled up behind him. He can’t talk about this because this isn’t something he can put words to. He thought Chris knew that about him. Things like this, things this big with what he’s feeling there are no words he can say.  
  
But Chris keeps demanding them, demanding reasons and words and things and Darren doesn’t feel like he needs to be explaining why he doesn’t like his boyfriend dancing with other men, shouldn’t Chris fucking know why he doesn’t want that? “Uh, because maybe it’s not fucking fun to watch my boyfriend getting hit on and loving it?”  
  
“Are you serious?” Darren can tell Chris is getting angry and he can’t stop himself from doing anything but meeting it head on with his own anger and jealousy.  
  
“Yes, I fucking am! I mean, I get it, you like being the one everyone wants to take home. Must make you feel really good, but it’s shitty to have to watch happen.” And again Chris stumbles back like he’s been struck and fuck Darren is feeling like the worst boyfriend ever but he can’t stop because it hurts and he doesn’t know how to make it stop hurting like this.  
  
Chris is trying to point out like its going out in Michigan but its not. None of those people, they’re all friends and none of them want him like the guys tonight wanted Chris. None of the people in Michigan, none of them mean anything to Darren and it means nothing and its nothing at all like it was tonight. Like this entire week has been, with every single guy everywhere they go hitting on Chris and Darren just having to stand there and fucking watch it over and over. Michigan people know they’re together, they know they’re a thing and that is entirely different. He reminds Chris that he never means anything by what he says to his friends when he’s talking and joking and flirting with them.  
  
“But you think I do.” Chris’ voice is quiet and dull and Darren doesn’t have much to say to that.  
  
“How do I know you wouldn’t rather go home with one of those guys on your birthday?” He asks, the image of Chris with any number of other guys still burned into the back of his brain. A number of other guys who would be cooler, more sophisticated, less prone to random disney cover songs and fart contests and leaving their boxers on the top of a lamp shade and an almost empty carton of orange juice in the refrigerator and would probably remember to buy flowers and candy and have important, intellectual discussions on things not Spongebob. Guys who would be so much better than him.  
  
And this is it. Darren can feel it. He can see it on Chris’ face and he thinks he knew this was going to happen from the beginning, from the moment Chris didn’t say “I love you” at the train station-- no, from the moment he realised that Chris had never told his mother about living with him, he knew it had to be coming to this. And fuck it hurts, seeing it on Chris’ face like this hurts and he doesn’t want to say it or admit it, doesn’t want this to happen like this. Tonight was supposed to be perfect and end in birthday blowjobs and they were supposed to move in together and spend the summer finding time to have sex in between class and work and Joey being an annoying roommate. Not breaking up here in San Francisco.  
  
But Chris just walks.  
  
“Where are you going?” Darren calls out but Chris ignores him, head high as he heads to the end of the street and hails a cab. “Shit,” Darren mutters, hurrying to run after him because even if this is happening now, like this, its an unfamiliar city and Chris is just going to leave into it. Darren can’t let him do that. It hurts to hold onto him now but he can’t let him just go out into the night alone either.  
  
Chris slams a car door behind him and Darren watches the taxi peel out, heading down the street.  
  
He stands there on the edge of the street, watching into the distance before thunder claps again and the rain begins to pour down around him. His fingers begin to feel numb and his hair is dripping, clothes soaked but he doesn’t know where to go. He can’t go home, not without Chris but he doesn’t know where he’s gone.  
  
Digging into his pants, Darren pulls out his phone and tries to call but there is no answer. He tries again, once more getting Chris’ voice mail. He chokes back a sob and begins to pace back and forth before grabbing his phone and dialing again.  
  
“Darren, I thought it was Chris birthda--”  
  
“I fucked up.”  
  
The line goes quiet and Darren almost thinks that maybe Julia hung up on him.  
  
“What happened?” Darren sighs and leans against a nearby lightpole, letting it hold him up. If he leaves this corner it will be like he’s leaving Chris, like he’s just letting him go and he can’t quite do that yet.  
  
“We were at the club and this guy was dancing with Chris and this other guy had been hitting on him and wanting to buy him drinks and these other guys kept looking at him and--” Darren cuts himself off, taking a deep breath so that he can actually talk to Julia and not be a mess. “All week. All week its been happening. The guy at the bike shop, the barista with his number on the coffee cup, the sales clerk at the clothing shop and his email address, they won’t stop and he’s so nice and I can’t-- I don’t know how-- fuck it hurts Julia.”  
  
He knows she knows. She knows better than anyone else how jealous Darren can get in a relationship, how possessive a lover he can be. He doesn’t want to share his lover with anyone else.  
  
“Darren,” she sighs down the line and he can hear some noises in the background until her voice seems to come through more clearly and fully than before and fuck he didn’t even think about what she might be doing tonight at 1 in the morning in Michigan. That she might have had a date and been out with a guy, or had him back to her apartment and suddenly he feels really bad that he may have just interrupted her own date.  
  
“Juls, I’m sorry I didn’t know--”  
  
“Where is Chris right now Darren?”  
  
“I don’t... I don’t know?”  
  
“You don’t know?”  
  
“He got in a cab and left--”  
  
“You let him leave in a cab? What the fuck Darren?”  
  
“Words may have been said--”  
  
“What kind of fucking words--” She breaks herself off and there is a moment of silence before Julia’s voice comes back, quieter and softer than before. “Darren, I know you, I know what you’re like and I know what jealousy does to you but you can’t let it do this to you. He loves you and you just say something to make him go off into the night in a strange city? What could you possibly be thinking to make the man you love do that?”  
  
Darren hiccups and presses the phone to his ear a bit tighter, wanting to hear her better over the sound of the rain and the cars driving by.  
  
“I don’t even know if we’re still together Juls,” he says, feeling a piece break inside of him admitting it.  
  
“Oh, Dar.” And Darren wishes he could curl up next to her and rest his head on her shoulder and let her pet through his hair like she does when he’s feeling sad and upset. “Go find him, Darren, and talk to him. None of this ‘I don’t know’ shit. Actually talk and find out if you are or you’re not. And tell him Darren. I think he’s probably picked up you can be a jealous lover, just admit it to him. Having faults isn’t a bad thing and knowing Chris? He’s going to love you with those anyways he’s so gone on you. So man up, stop sulking and crying and go find him and fix what you broke.”  
  
Darren sniffles slightly before taking a deep breath. “Not crying,” he mutters and Julia just laughs softly in his ear.  
  
“Fine, but you’re sulking I can hear it from here. Stop. Go.”  
  
Darren nods before finally realizing she can’t see it. “Alright. Goodnight Juls, thanks.”  
  
“Mmhm, remember this when I bill you,” she reminds him before the line goes dead.  
  
*  
  
It takes multiple phone calls before Chris finally picks up the line. “Fuck, Chris, where are you?” He breathes down the line. He can hear the hitch in Chris’ breath, the hiccup over the phone loud enough to know that Chris is upset. “Chris, please,” he begs softly. “Look, I’m sorry, I’m the worst kind of jerk when I get jealous, I know.” Darren pleads with him. He just needs to know where Chris is, he needs to know so he can go and find him and talk to him and apologize.  
  
The prowling, pacing jealousy that had been beating so fiercely in his chest before is gone now, cowed in the corner with the reality that maybe Chris doesn’t want him, doesn’t want to deal with this in a lover.  
  
“I’m at the the train station,” Chris says. “I was... I was going to go home.”  
  
Those words are enough to stop Darren’s heart. He was going to go home. Chris was going to leave him and he can’t let that happen. If Chris goes now he’ll never be able to get to him to apologize, to explain everything, to make this up to him and fuck he needs Chris he realizes quite suddenly. The idea of letting him go like this makes everything inside him seize up and hurt worse than anything he thought he felt before and he’s begging Chris to let him come get him, to please not leave, not yet until Chris says the one thing to make it better: “Okay. Come get me.”  
  
*  
  
The car ride to the train station takes far too long. There are too many red lights this time of night and too many other cars on the road and Darren just needs to be there now.  
  
By the time he pulls the car up to the station and stumbles inside, he’s feeling desperate to see Chris. He see’s him, sitting against the wall on the other side of the terminal, small and insecure, playing with the cuff on his wrist and Darren’s knees feel weak and tired and he just goes to him, moving to Chris. He wants to wrap his arms around him but he’s been rehearsing this speech on the way here and he wants to say it right. Because he feels he understands better what love is now and what he thought he felt for Chris before tonight seems to pale with what he knows he feels now. There is a need and a burning desire twisted together inside him, all mixed up together and its a bit jagged and new but he knows how strongly he feels now.  
  
Chris just looks up at him, sad that he didn’t love him before and no its not like that. He loved Chris before but only as much as he knew what love meant. He could only love as much as he knew and he didn’t know it could feel like this. He didn’t know it could feel like this white, hot burning need, always there and this is so much more.  
  
*  
  
That night when they’re finally back at Darren’s house, Darren gathers Chris in his arms and curls his body around his. He wraps him up in arms and legs and strokes his soft skin, pressing their bodies together completely with nothing to separate them. He needs to feel as close to Chris as possible right now and propriety in his mothers house be damned.  
  
He lets his fingers stroke back and forth over the soft skin on Chris’ belly as he whispers apologies into Chris’ neck and promises to never let his jealousies twist dark inside him, but to talk to Chris, to tell him, to trust him with the dark, ugly parts of him that he didn’t want Chris to know about. Its not easy to hand that part of himself over to someone else, its still something he wants no one else to see but its a small price to pay for what he gets out of it.  
  
He presses another gentle kiss to Chris’ neck and hums to himself a quick refrain before pressing as close to his body as he can to sleep.  
  



End file.
